Parents often ask me, "Is it wrong to bribe my child?"
Most of us find ourselves in occasional moments of desperation saying things like, "Fine! You can have the candy bar now, but stop whining!!" or "We have to leave the playground now! Stop crying! I have M&Ms in the car!" Usually, it’s followed by a discomforting feeling that we’ve just had to bribe our child to do
something that should be completely in the realm of "normal" behavior and they’ve successfully used tears and tantrums to get their way! Is it okay to use bribes to encourage cooperation and how should rewards be used to promote good behavior?
There are subtle differences in definition between bribes and
rewards, but there is a world of difference when it comes to which you use to modify your child’s behavior. Bribing is not a great parenting tool--not because it is something to be ashamed of--but simply because it isn’t effective. Bribing does not work long-term and can reinforce bad habits. Rewarding your child, on the other hand, can be a very useful parenting strategy and can have a positive long-term impact on behavior, if used correctly.
Fundamentally, a bribe is something given in order to influence someone, whereas a reward is given in return for an accomplishment. In other words, as it applies to children, a bribe
might be given to a tantruming child in the hopes of stopping the tantrum and a reward is given to a child after leaving the grocery store without a tantrum.
Bribes are motivated by bad behavior, rewards by good behavior.
Bribes may offer a quick fix or a way to avoid embarrassing moments, but in fact they encourage misbehavior by rewarding it. If a child learns that when they start whining they will get a treat in order to stop it, their whining will increase. Rewards, which do require more advance planning and consistency, encourage positive behavior.
Here are some ways to implement rewards effectively.
1. When to use rewards?
Use rewards when your child needs extra encouragement, for example,whey they are working on a developmental milestone (potty training, giving up the pacifier, staying in a bed, brushing teeth) or when they will be in a triggering situation (going to the grocery store, attending playgroup, leaving the park).
2. Be specific about expectations
Let your child know the expectation ahead of time. Be specific and concrete about what it is you want them to do. "Please be good when we go out" is too vague; try, "When you hold hands with mommy while we walk to the playground, you will get a sticker when we get there."
3. Deliver the reward on time, as promised
Rewards for younger children (toddlers/preschoolers) should be
given immediately after the behavior and for older children, soon after the behavior.
4. Catch your child being good!
Spontaneous rewards can be very effective. If you notice a
positive behavior, reward your child spontaneously. If your child was sharing well at the playground, reward him with an extra five minutes of playtime (make sure you also give lots of verbal praise and link the extra time to the behavior: "You did such a great job waiting your turn for the swing, that we can swing an extra five minutes before we have to go home"). Another example might be, "Thank you for brushing your teeth without me asking, now we have time for an extra story at bedtime."
5. Rewards can be small--or free!
The reward does not have to break the bank. Stickers work well
for everyday and frequently occurring tasks such as brushing teeth, potty training, or cleaning up toys. If it is a task that is a bit more challenging or requires extra motivation (transitioning from crib to bed or going to the grocery store without tantruming), try working towards something bigger like a toy or a book. Other non-tangible rewards can be as effective as toys. More than they want new toys, children want more quality time with their parents (unless they are teens,) so get creative with the rewards. You can spend extra time playing together, give an extra song at bedtime, or enjoy a special outing with mom or dad. These rewards are fun for everyone and they can be free!
Parents are often reluctant to use rewards for fear that they will be stuck rewarding their child for every behavior. You can avoid the reward trap, by using lots of verbal praise in addition to, or in lieu of, tangible rewards; by picking very specific behaviors you want your child to work on (or that are extra challenging for your child); working on no more than 1-3 behaviors at a time; once your child has mastered the behavior, replacing it with another behavior you want them to improve; or by making it increasingly more difficult to obtain the reward.
Just make sure you boost your own parenting willpower to stick with a consistent behavior modification plan with your own
reward!
How have you successfully used rewards to modify your child’s
behavior? Share your experiences at www.parentcoachsf.com/blog.html
Most of us find ourselves in occasional moments of desperation saying things like, "Fine! You can have the candy bar now, but stop whining!!" or "We have to leave the playground now! Stop crying! I have M&Ms in the car!" Usually, it’s followed by a discomforting feeling that we’ve just had to bribe our child to do
something that should be completely in the realm of "normal" behavior and they’ve successfully used tears and tantrums to get their way! Is it okay to use bribes to encourage cooperation and how should rewards be used to promote good behavior?
There are subtle differences in definition between bribes and
rewards, but there is a world of difference when it comes to which you use to modify your child’s behavior. Bribing is not a great parenting tool--not because it is something to be ashamed of--but simply because it isn’t effective. Bribing does not work long-term and can reinforce bad habits. Rewarding your child, on the other hand, can be a very useful parenting strategy and can have a positive long-term impact on behavior, if used correctly.
Fundamentally, a bribe is something given in order to influence someone, whereas a reward is given in return for an accomplishment. In other words, as it applies to children, a bribe
might be given to a tantruming child in the hopes of stopping the tantrum and a reward is given to a child after leaving the grocery store without a tantrum.
Bribes are motivated by bad behavior, rewards by good behavior.
Bribes may offer a quick fix or a way to avoid embarrassing moments, but in fact they encourage misbehavior by rewarding it. If a child learns that when they start whining they will get a treat in order to stop it, their whining will increase. Rewards, which do require more advance planning and consistency, encourage positive behavior.
Here are some ways to implement rewards effectively.
1. When to use rewards?
Use rewards when your child needs extra encouragement, for example,whey they are working on a developmental milestone (potty training, giving up the pacifier, staying in a bed, brushing teeth) or when they will be in a triggering situation (going to the grocery store, attending playgroup, leaving the park).
2. Be specific about expectations
Let your child know the expectation ahead of time. Be specific and concrete about what it is you want them to do. "Please be good when we go out" is too vague; try, "When you hold hands with mommy while we walk to the playground, you will get a sticker when we get there."
3. Deliver the reward on time, as promised
Rewards for younger children (toddlers/preschoolers) should be
given immediately after the behavior and for older children, soon after the behavior.
4. Catch your child being good!
Spontaneous rewards can be very effective. If you notice a
positive behavior, reward your child spontaneously. If your child was sharing well at the playground, reward him with an extra five minutes of playtime (make sure you also give lots of verbal praise and link the extra time to the behavior: "You did such a great job waiting your turn for the swing, that we can swing an extra five minutes before we have to go home"). Another example might be, "Thank you for brushing your teeth without me asking, now we have time for an extra story at bedtime."
5. Rewards can be small--or free!
The reward does not have to break the bank. Stickers work well
for everyday and frequently occurring tasks such as brushing teeth, potty training, or cleaning up toys. If it is a task that is a bit more challenging or requires extra motivation (transitioning from crib to bed or going to the grocery store without tantruming), try working towards something bigger like a toy or a book. Other non-tangible rewards can be as effective as toys. More than they want new toys, children want more quality time with their parents (unless they are teens,) so get creative with the rewards. You can spend extra time playing together, give an extra song at bedtime, or enjoy a special outing with mom or dad. These rewards are fun for everyone and they can be free!
Parents are often reluctant to use rewards for fear that they will be stuck rewarding their child for every behavior. You can avoid the reward trap, by using lots of verbal praise in addition to, or in lieu of, tangible rewards; by picking very specific behaviors you want your child to work on (or that are extra challenging for your child); working on no more than 1-3 behaviors at a time; once your child has mastered the behavior, replacing it with another behavior you want them to improve; or by making it increasingly more difficult to obtain the reward.
Just make sure you boost your own parenting willpower to stick with a consistent behavior modification plan with your own
reward!
How have you successfully used rewards to modify your child’s
behavior? Share your experiences at www.parentcoachsf.com/blog.html
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