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Kerrie LaRosaParent Coach

Bribes and Rewards: Are they effective?

1/19/2012

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Parents often ask me, "Is it wrong to bribe my child?"
Most of us find ourselves in occasional moments of desperation saying things like, "Fine! You can have the candy bar now, but stop whining!!" or "We have to leave the playground now! Stop crying! I have M&Ms in the car!" Usually, it’s followed by a discomforting feeling that we’ve just had to bribe our child to do
something that should be completely in the realm of "normal" behavior and they’ve successfully used tears and tantrums to get their way! Is it okay to use bribes to encourage cooperation and how should rewards be used to promote good behavior?

There are subtle differences in definition between bribes and
rewards, but there is a world of difference when it comes to which you use to modify your child’s behavior. Bribing is not a great parenting tool--not because it is something to be ashamed of--but simply because it isn’t effective. Bribing does not work long-term and can reinforce bad habits. Rewarding your child, on the other hand, can be a very useful parenting strategy and can have a positive long-term impact on behavior, if used correctly.

Fundamentally, a bribe is something given in order to influence someone, whereas a reward is given in return for an accomplishment. In other words, as it applies to children, a bribe
might be given to a tantruming child in the hopes of stopping the tantrum and a reward is given to a child after leaving the grocery store without a tantrum. 

Bribes are motivated by bad behavior, rewards by good behavior.
Bribes may offer a quick fix or a way to avoid embarrassing moments, but in fact they encourage misbehavior by rewarding it. If a child learns that when they start whining they will get a treat in order to stop it, their whining will increase. Rewards, which do require more advance planning and consistency, encourage positive behavior.

Here are some ways to implement rewards effectively. 

1. When to use rewards?
Use rewards when your child needs extra encouragement, for example,whey they are working on a developmental milestone (potty training, giving up the pacifier, staying in a bed, brushing teeth) or when they will be in a triggering situation (going to  the grocery store, attending playgroup, leaving the park).

2. Be specific about expectations
Let your child know the expectation ahead of time. Be specific and concrete about what it is you want them to do. "Please be good when we go out" is too vague; try, "When you hold hands with mommy while we walk to the playground, you will get a sticker when we get there."

3. Deliver the reward on time, as promised

Rewards for younger children (toddlers/preschoolers) should be
given immediately after the behavior and for older children, soon after the behavior.

4. Catch your child being good!

Spontaneous rewards can be very effective. If you notice a
positive behavior, reward your child spontaneously. If your child was sharing well at the playground, reward him with an extra five minutes of playtime (make sure you also give lots of verbal praise and link the extra time to the behavior: "You did such a great job waiting your turn for the swing, that we can swing an extra five minutes before we have to go home"). Another example might be, "Thank you for brushing your teeth without me asking, now we have time for an extra story at bedtime."

5. Rewards can be small--or free!

The reward does not have to break the bank. Stickers work well
for everyday and frequently occurring tasks such as brushing teeth, potty training, or cleaning up toys. If it is a task that is a bit more challenging or requires extra motivation (transitioning from crib to bed or going to the grocery store without tantruming), try working towards something bigger like a toy or a book. Other non-tangible rewards can be as effective as toys. More than they want new toys, children want more quality time with their parents (unless they are teens,) so get creative with the rewards. You can spend extra time playing together, give an extra song at bedtime, or enjoy a special outing with mom or dad. These rewards are fun for everyone and they can be free! 

Parents are often reluctant to use rewards for fear that they will be stuck rewarding their child for every behavior. You can avoid the reward trap, by using lots of verbal praise in addition to, or in lieu of, tangible rewards; by picking very specific behaviors you want your child to work on (or that are  extra challenging for your child); working on no more than 1-3 behaviors at a time; once your child has mastered the behavior, replacing it with another  behavior you want them to improve; or by making it increasingly more difficult to obtain the reward.

Just make sure you boost your own parenting  willpower to stick with a consistent behavior modification plan with your own
reward!

How have you successfully used rewards to modify your child’s
behavior? Share your experiences at
www.parentcoachsf.com/blog.html

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Mommy, mommy, mommy!

1/10/2012

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A parent, recently asked me this question: "My five-year-old (and oldest child) is very demanding of my attention when it comes to play. He'd rather wait around, pester, and complain about my lack of attention (while I do dishes, laundry etc.) until I finally am done. Of course, we are tired of grousing at each other by that stage. Is there anyway to keep the kids happy without the house falling down around our ears?"

Very good question! I think we have all been there. We have a list of a million things to do and a child (or children) who needs, wants, demands our attention. So how do we do it?

* Spend 15 minutes of play time. 15 minutes may not seem like much, but the key is that you are giving your child your undivided attention - no interruptions. If you start the day with the 15 minutes, your child may feel a bit more satisfied and might be willing to wait out the chores.

* As much as possible try and create a routine or schedule that you stick with so your child gets accustomed to when you need to do the chores. You have breakfast, clean up, 15 minutes of playtime, then the chore of the day. I realize I am oversimplifying
life, but the more predictable things are for children the better.

* Enlist your child's help so they are involved in the chores and spending time with you. It may take longer, but having your child help gather the laundry, pour in the soap and press start can be very fulfilling for your child and teaches him responsibility.

* Give your child a sense of when you will be done. You can set a timer or put on music and let your child know that once they go off, you will be ready to play.

* Create a chore list. Let your child know: "This morning I need to change the sheets on the bed, empty the dishwasher and fold the clothes." Have her help you write a list (or draw a picture of each chore). Once the chore is complete you can both cross the chore
off the list together.

* Give him a task to work on while you do the chores: finding all the legos you hide in the living room, drawing a family portrait, or counting how many letter A's he can find in his favorite book.

* If these ideas don't placate your child, try firmer tactics like ignoring the grousing; giving her a choice to help with the tasks or playing quietly; offering a reward for her patience; or removing a privilege.

If you have a parenting question, please comment here or email me at
kerrie@parentcoachsf.com and I will respond in an upcoming blog. Your identity will remain anonymous.

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Happy New Year!

1/1/2012

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It is a start to a brand new year. Time to look forward and think about your goals and expectations for the coming year - and of course make those new year's resolutions! Many parents talk to me about their parenting New Year's Resolutions. On January 1st they make goals to be more patient, spend more time with their children, and slow down their busy lives to enjoy small moments with their children.

These are admirable New Year's resolutions. The problem with resolutions in general is that we set lofty, vague goals that are difficult to achieve and maintain. So, how can we turn New Year's resolutions into everday reality? Set small, managable goals and celebrate each small step towards the goal. Once you have achieved those smaller goals, feel free to reach higher and push yourself to do more.

In order to be a more patient parent, focus on specific ways to achieve that. Take lots of deep breaths and take time for yourself (even if it is 5 minutes a day)! If you want to spend more time with your children - set a small goal of leaving a few minutes early from work, one day each week. If your goal is to be more present, focus on spending at least 10 minutes of play time with your child each day (without distractions or electronics).

The key is to start small, make it manageable, be realistic and be kind to yourself. Celebrating the small successes will fuel your motivation to keep trying.


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    Kerrie LaRosa is a parent coach and a mother of two children. She draws on her professional expertise and personal experience to provide tired parents with some quick tips, resources and fun anecdotes.

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