Do you trust your child? I don't mean to tell the truth or to follow your rules when you aren't looking, although these are important topics for another discussion. I mean, do you trust your child to grow and develop?
Janet Lansbury posits that "trust, whenever and wherever it’s possible, reasonable and age-appropriate, is one of the most profound gifts we can give our children." And "it can foster optimum development". Lansbury's post urges parents to trust children to develop manners, toilet skills, emotional regulation and more. But, in our competitive and anxiety ridden world it is hard to trust that children will meet their developmental milestones and will grow into responsible, caring, respectful children, adolescents and adults.
Did you know that given the right environment children will actually learn to reach most or all of their developmental milestones without adult intervention? For example, most children will learn to roll over, crawl and walk without coaching, coaxing and intervention from parents as long as they have floor time and safe environments in which to explore and practice these gross motor skills. According to Lansbury, "Infants will always do what they are capable of doing and are naturally wired to advance their physical abilities independently."
But how do we do this in world where we encourage early learning and revere babies who walk and talk before 1, children who read by 5 and pre-teens that become professional-level athletes before they reach high school?
How can we as parents trust our children to grow into themselves and meet all the demands of the world around them?
1. Keep Anxiety in Check
If we are worried about how our children will measure up to their peers and whether they will succeed it impacts our ability to trust them. We need to manage our own feelings of anxiety (which by the way also provides a good model for our children to learn how to regulate their anxiety and emotions).
2. Be Realistic
Don't expect children to learn things before they are ready. It is a misnomer that children should walk by one. It is actually normal to walk anytime between 9 and 16 months. And, there is no long term advantage to learning to walk early so why do we rush it and worry about it? Every child learns at a different pace.
3. Follow your child's cues
Children learn best when they are developmentally ready and most interested. If you push a child to learn to read before they are ready you are likely to be met with resistance, which can delay learning and potential dislike of reading. However if you pay attention to your child's signs that she is developmentally ready and interested in learning something new, you can help her reach those milestones. For example, if your child takes an interest in reading the words on the page, give your child the space to do it. But in order to follow your child's cues effectively, you may have to practice tuning out the pressures other competitive parents who are pushing their children to learn (potentially before they are developmentally ready).
4. Process over Product
In order to encourage the learning process and trust in the learning process, we have to let go of the outcome. When we as parents become wedded to the outcome, we push, steer and coax our children to tie their shoe the proper way, to speed up the toilet training, to perfect their handwriting. When we do this, we take away from the learning process, we interfere with the enjoyment of mastering a new skill and often we inadvertently cause anxiety about learning. Instead, we can provide the space to learn, respect the process and sit back and enjoy the progress they make (and the pride they feel doing it on their own).
5. Model
Although we need to trust children to grow into their development, it does not mean we are absent in the process. We are there to provide a safe learning space and a model for their learning. Children learn so much by watching us. If we have a difficult time regulating our emotions, children will too. If we are intolerant of our mistakes, children will learn to fear failure. But, if we speak respectfully our children learn to speak respectfully and if we model empathy, our children learn empathy and if we model trust and a love of learning, our children will learn to trust in and enjoy their own learning process.
So remain patient and trust the process.
Janet Lansbury posits that "trust, whenever and wherever it’s possible, reasonable and age-appropriate, is one of the most profound gifts we can give our children." And "it can foster optimum development". Lansbury's post urges parents to trust children to develop manners, toilet skills, emotional regulation and more. But, in our competitive and anxiety ridden world it is hard to trust that children will meet their developmental milestones and will grow into responsible, caring, respectful children, adolescents and adults.
Did you know that given the right environment children will actually learn to reach most or all of their developmental milestones without adult intervention? For example, most children will learn to roll over, crawl and walk without coaching, coaxing and intervention from parents as long as they have floor time and safe environments in which to explore and practice these gross motor skills. According to Lansbury, "Infants will always do what they are capable of doing and are naturally wired to advance their physical abilities independently."
But how do we do this in world where we encourage early learning and revere babies who walk and talk before 1, children who read by 5 and pre-teens that become professional-level athletes before they reach high school?
How can we as parents trust our children to grow into themselves and meet all the demands of the world around them?
1. Keep Anxiety in Check
If we are worried about how our children will measure up to their peers and whether they will succeed it impacts our ability to trust them. We need to manage our own feelings of anxiety (which by the way also provides a good model for our children to learn how to regulate their anxiety and emotions).
2. Be Realistic
Don't expect children to learn things before they are ready. It is a misnomer that children should walk by one. It is actually normal to walk anytime between 9 and 16 months. And, there is no long term advantage to learning to walk early so why do we rush it and worry about it? Every child learns at a different pace.
3. Follow your child's cues
Children learn best when they are developmentally ready and most interested. If you push a child to learn to read before they are ready you are likely to be met with resistance, which can delay learning and potential dislike of reading. However if you pay attention to your child's signs that she is developmentally ready and interested in learning something new, you can help her reach those milestones. For example, if your child takes an interest in reading the words on the page, give your child the space to do it. But in order to follow your child's cues effectively, you may have to practice tuning out the pressures other competitive parents who are pushing their children to learn (potentially before they are developmentally ready).
4. Process over Product
In order to encourage the learning process and trust in the learning process, we have to let go of the outcome. When we as parents become wedded to the outcome, we push, steer and coax our children to tie their shoe the proper way, to speed up the toilet training, to perfect their handwriting. When we do this, we take away from the learning process, we interfere with the enjoyment of mastering a new skill and often we inadvertently cause anxiety about learning. Instead, we can provide the space to learn, respect the process and sit back and enjoy the progress they make (and the pride they feel doing it on their own).
5. Model
Although we need to trust children to grow into their development, it does not mean we are absent in the process. We are there to provide a safe learning space and a model for their learning. Children learn so much by watching us. If we have a difficult time regulating our emotions, children will too. If we are intolerant of our mistakes, children will learn to fear failure. But, if we speak respectfully our children learn to speak respectfully and if we model empathy, our children learn empathy and if we model trust and a love of learning, our children will learn to trust in and enjoy their own learning process.
So remain patient and trust the process.
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