Discipline is an evolving practice. Which makes parenting, an already challenging job, even more difficult. First, parents were told they could not hit or spank their children. Then, parents were told that yelling can be as damaging as hitting their children. And, now there are some experts that say you can't use consequences either. Of course I agree that hitting and spanking children is dangerous, physically and emotionally harmful and ineffective. Yelling can also be emotionally harmful for children and is ineffective. If you want to learn more, read my previous post on yelling.
So, what is the issue now with consequences? I don't feel as strongly against consequences as some experts. However, I do think there is a significant difference between a natural or logical consequence and a consequence that is used to punish a child.
Discipline is about teaching children. Punishment, however is about retribution and typically occurs when a parent is angry. If a consequence is created to punish rather than to teach, it will not have the desired effect of changing a child's behavior. And, it can add tension on the parent-child relationship.
So, how can you tell the difference between an appropriate consequence and the punishment? Think about whether the consequence is a natural or logical result of the behavior. Are you choosing the consequence thoughtfully and based on the behavior or are you angry and want the child to "pay" for their behavior?
Here are some examples:
Discipline:
1. Your child throws a toy, you remove the for a short period of time.
2. Your child refuses to put on her jacket, she feels cold when she goes outside.
3. Your child doesn't put away his legos when told, and he loses some of the pieces.
Punishment:
1. Your child curses, you put soap in his mouth.
2. Your child throws a tantrum, you take away her favorite toy.
3. Your child hits his sister, you take away tv for 5 days.
Hopefully you can see the difference. Discipline teaches children by allowing them to experience some real consequences that result from their behavior. Punishment is a consequence imposed, but is unrelated to the behavior and therefore is ineffective and can negatively impact the parent-child relationship.
When disciplining, always remember:
* to take a few deep breaths and try and stay calm (you will help calm your child and you will make better decisions this way).
* try to understand what your child is trying to communicate with his behavior. This will help guide how you respond.
* Find opportunities to connect with your child before correcting them. Validating your child's feelings and helping your child to calm down strengthens your relationship and opens your child up for learning and correcting her behavior.
So, what is the issue now with consequences? I don't feel as strongly against consequences as some experts. However, I do think there is a significant difference between a natural or logical consequence and a consequence that is used to punish a child.
Discipline is about teaching children. Punishment, however is about retribution and typically occurs when a parent is angry. If a consequence is created to punish rather than to teach, it will not have the desired effect of changing a child's behavior. And, it can add tension on the parent-child relationship.
So, how can you tell the difference between an appropriate consequence and the punishment? Think about whether the consequence is a natural or logical result of the behavior. Are you choosing the consequence thoughtfully and based on the behavior or are you angry and want the child to "pay" for their behavior?
Here are some examples:
Discipline:
1. Your child throws a toy, you remove the for a short period of time.
2. Your child refuses to put on her jacket, she feels cold when she goes outside.
3. Your child doesn't put away his legos when told, and he loses some of the pieces.
Punishment:
1. Your child curses, you put soap in his mouth.
2. Your child throws a tantrum, you take away her favorite toy.
3. Your child hits his sister, you take away tv for 5 days.
Hopefully you can see the difference. Discipline teaches children by allowing them to experience some real consequences that result from their behavior. Punishment is a consequence imposed, but is unrelated to the behavior and therefore is ineffective and can negatively impact the parent-child relationship.
When disciplining, always remember:
* to take a few deep breaths and try and stay calm (you will help calm your child and you will make better decisions this way).
* try to understand what your child is trying to communicate with his behavior. This will help guide how you respond.
* Find opportunities to connect with your child before correcting them. Validating your child's feelings and helping your child to calm down strengthens your relationship and opens your child up for learning and correcting her behavior.
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