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Kerrie LaRosaParent Coach

"A child seldom needs a good talking to as a good listening to". ~Robert Brault

5/31/2011

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If we are able to listen, we will see that our children’s behaviors are telling us something. Their big tears, loud screams and stomping feet communicate that they are tired, angry or scared. The challenge is that when they are in this state, they need help calming down. 

Last week I wrote about acknowledging children’s feelings as a way to demonstrate empathy, increase their emotional understanding and to help calm them down. In addition to acknowledging feelings, there are several ways to help children learn to manage their feelings.

Modeling healthy ways to manage your feelings is a very effective way to teach children. If your child watches you yelling when you are angry, that is probably the tool they will use for expressing their anger as well. However, if you express your feelings using calm words, your child will learn how to communicate their feelings calmly too.  (For  more on modeling, read my blog post: http://www.larosaparentcoach.com/1/post/2011/04/be-the-change-you-want-to-see-in-the-world-gandhi.html.)


Often children are frustrated because they don’t feel like people understand them and they don’t know how to communicate their feelings or needs. Teaching our children communication tools can be an effective way of reducing their frustration and helping them manage their feelings.  My son is very social and enjoys interacting with people. He used to scream in order to get attention from people we would pass on the street. He was successful, but I was a bit embarrassed by this type of attention. So, I taught him a different way to communicate. Now, instead of startling the neighbors, he politely says, “hi”. 

Another way to help children manage their feelings is to give them alternative behaviors (or coping skills).  I have taught my son to take deep breaths when he starts to become agitated. It is amazing how it slows him down, shifts his mood and can even make him smile.  When things start to become tense, we take deep breaths together and it helps us both to calm down. Pay attention to what seems to calm your child…is it singing, whispering, or hugging? Then, listen for when your child is telling you he/she needs help calming down, and encourage him/her to use these tools. 


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Consistency, Part 2

5/25/2011

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Did you try taking the consistency challenge? I tried it. I picked two things to focus on. I did not see life altering changes, but I did see progress.

First, my son started to find creative ways to prolong his nap and bedtime. He would ask for more milk and another song. I justified the milk because I figure it is a basic need, right? As for the additional song, well, who can resist a little boy asking his mother for another song? Unfortunately, even when I indulged him, he would be crying for me to come back once I left the room. So, I finally saw what was happening (and realized he did not try this with my partner, because he never fell into our son’s trap!). Therefore, I started being consistent. I let him know when it was the last chance for milk and the last song. At the end of the week, he continued to ask for the additional mile and song, but the whining stopped before I left the room.

Second, I want to follow up on my post from last week – meaning what I say.  Now, when I say, “it is the last time down the slide”, I follow through. It is hard to resist the sweet little voice saying, “again, please” followed by a whiney, “pleeeaaaase”. But, the result is priceless: less whining!

If you tried it too, submit a comment and let me know how it went. If not, try it this upcoming week and post your results. It is one of the toughest parts of parenting and something that takes continued practice, so don’t be surprised if it comes up again in another blog post!


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Go away! (But, not too far)

5/19/2011

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My son has never been shy about voicing his opinion or demonstrating his will for independence, but lately he has developed a new method. He now says, “bye, bye, mommy” and waves to me, signaling that he needs some space. In an attempt to respect his wishes (and foster his sense of autonomy), I comply. As soon as I sit down to happily observe his play from the couch, he comes running back to me, asking me to play.

It is a developmentally appropriate exercise. He is figuring out ways to become independent and yet longs (and needs) the connection to his caregivers. This journey to independence while longing for relationship is ongoing.  At birth, babies don’t understand they are a separate being.  As they develop a greater sense of the world around them, they learn that objects (their caregivers) are separate from themselves. Yet, they don’t master object permanence (or the understanding that objects exist when out of sight) until they are 10-12 months. This is why infants often have separation anxiety and why they love to play peek-a-boo.  Then come the toddler years. Often called the testing twos. Toddlers are asserting their independence (a preview for the teenage years?).  They say no because we said yes. They say yes because we said no. Often when we accept their independence, they are satisfied and will come running right back.  

The push-pull of the desire for independence and the need for connection is an ongoing journey that occurs throughout a child’s development, although there are different stages such as toddler hood and adolescence where it is stronger. As children learn to become independent, their anxiety about separating from caregivers may increase. They learn that if they are able to walk away from their mother, than the mother can walk away from them. This is why they need to have a secure base (a caregiver) to recharge and then go back into the world on their own. 

There are ways that we can help foster their independence; maintain the connection and ease the separation anxiety. Respect their need for independence; offer them choices whenever possible; praise their efforts to master things on their own; and standby for support.  To maintain connection and ease their anxiety, practice goodbye and hello rituals and read books, such as The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown or The Invisible String by Patrice Karst. 



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Consistency, Consistency, Consistency

5/18/2011

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Children crave consistency. The world feels safe when it is predictable. Not only does consistency keep our children calmer, but it also helps them learn. Being consistent pays off. I smiled the day when my son reached for my hand before crossing the street and I sighed in relief when he stopped asking for a cookie before dinner because his previous attempts were unsuccessful.     

But, it is hard to be consistent. When I am tired, I want the whining to stop. It is so much easier to say yes than it is to say no. So, I say, "Ok, one more time on the slide." Then, one time turns into ten times. Finally, I get "serious". Ok, it really is the last time, we need to go home. So, why does he put up a fight? I confused him. I said one thing and did another. It is my job as the parent to provide structure and support. He needs to be able to trust me and that starts with being consistent. And, consistency really works!

Here is a little homework: talk to your partner, come up with a behavior you want your child to learn or change and then stick with it for 1 week. Write a comment and let me know how it goes. Good luck! 
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    Kerrie LaRosa is a parent coach and a mother of two children. She draws on her professional expertise and personal experience to provide tired parents with some quick tips, resources and fun anecdotes.

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