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The Reason Parents Worry....

5/31/2013

* Have you ever hovered over your baby's crib all night making sure she is still breathing?

* Did you ever fall asleep clutching your baby's video monitor?

* Were you ever so worried about the cold weather that you bundled your child up so much he couldn't even walk (like Randy in A Christmas Story)? Oh and it was only 40 degrees outside!

* Do you ever wonder that you and your child could not survive a minute apart?

* Did you ever convinced yourself that a bruised knee is a symptom of some rare disease?

* Have you ever worried that you worry too much?

Most parents I know have done at least one of these things on the list. Parents worry so much about our children. Parents worry because they love their children and want them to be safe, healthy and happy. But there is also a biological reason that parents worry and it is not just to deprive parents of sleep and make them do things they would have scoffed at before having kids.

Postpartum there is an increase in cingulate gyrus activity (the cingulate gyrus is part of the limbic system responsible for repetitive care taking behaviors such as diapering and feeding) and an increase in oxitocin to foster parent-child bonding. The combination of these changes is a recipe for increased anxiety and irrational thoughts. It is evolution's way of helping sleep-deprived parents respond to their child's needs and keep them safe and healthy.

"Many new mothers describe bizarre fears about improbably and previously unconsidered catastrophes befalling their infants, even as they recognize that these concerns are irrational" - from Born to Love by Bruce Perry

So the next time someone tells you that you are worrying too much, you can blame it on evolution!

A special thanks to Brett Collins for contributing to this blog post!

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"Just a Minute..."

5/22/2013

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If you are a parent you probably are constantly multitasking. Helping the kids, doing household chores, keeping up with emails and preparing for the events of the day. Parenting is a constant juggling act. I have even heard stories of mothers changing diapers while driving! Ok, so maybe not (that would be pretty dangerous and messy!).

Multitasking is almost essential for parenting. But, it can also be distracting. I used to brag to my husband that my ability to multitask was much better than his tendency to compartmentalize his tasks. I could be more efficient, get more done in a shorter amount of time. But, sometimes I wish I was better at compartmentalizing. I would be better at living in the moment. I could play with my children without being distracted by the dryer buzzing taunting me with the clothes that needed folding, or my phone beeping, reminding me to return that phone call.

Because of my tendency to multitask, I have found myself saying "just a minute" a lot recently. I tell my son, "I will help you in just a minute" or "I will play with you in just a minute". I am sure he is getting as tired of hearing it as I am of saying it. On the one hand, it is important for him to learn patience and wait until I am finished with what I am doing. On the other hand, it would be nice if once in a while, I said, "yes I can do that now". And, why not? What is more important - the extra dish in the sink or that my son feels his mother has time for him?

Sometimes in parenting I feel that my children have as much to teach me about life as I have to teach them. Living in the moment is one of them. I constantly work on living in the moment. Often children force us to live in the moment - kids get hurt, break things, throw tantrums and need our help (and now!). But, as I practice living in the moment, I realize that sometimes I want to do so by choice. I want to say "yes, I can play with you now" or "yes I can help you put your shoes on now". So, join me this week in saying yes more than no, living in the moment and avoiding the phrase "just a minute".

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Teaching Table Manners

5/16/2013

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Many parents ask me how to teach their child table manners and how to get them to sit down at the table.

One way is to follow, parenting expert and author, Elizabeth Pantley's suggestion in her No Cry Discipline Solution to change the setting of the meal. Every once in a while have a restaurant -style meal at home. Put a table cloth on the table, use cloth napkins and light candles. It will change your child's mood and behavior. It will help your child practice her manners while having fun.

It is also important to set realistic expectations of your child. It is reasonable for your toddler or preschooler to be able to sit at the table for 15-20 minutes, but some may want to get up and play after that. However, if you want them to sit for longer you can slowly extend that time and encourage them to stay by making the mealtime pleasurable - having conversations about the day or telling stories. As children get older, they should be able to sit for longer, but don't expect too many children or teenagers to want to spend an hour at the table each night.

Once your child is sitting at the table, how do you teach him manners?

1. Set mealtime rules. Choose what is most important to you and limit the rules to 3-5.
2. Let your child know the mealtime rules and remind him, especially if you are having company, going to a restaurant or having your special "fancy meal night".
3. Notice when your child is following the rules and offer specific praise ("You are sitting so nicely in your chair").
4. Model polite table manners for your child. If you say please and thank you, your child is more likely to follow suit.
5. Keep practicing and offer gentle reminders during the meal if necessary!

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Come on, just one more bite......

5/2/2013

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Parents want their children to eat and eat well (of course!). So, many parents will go to great lengths to get their children to eat. I have heard some creative ways parent have gotten their child to eat: playing games, giving time outs for not eating spinach and hiding chicken in yogurt (hmmm tasty, huh?), in addition to the standard, "just one more bite", "you can't get up from the table until you finish everything on your plate" and "eat your broccoli and then you can have dessert".

Unfortunately, these meet some short term goals of getting children to eat, but it does not meet the long term goal of helping children develop a healthy relationship with food and developing healthy eating habits.

Here are some techniques for teaching healthy eating:

1. Include your child in the process:
- grow vegetables in your garden
- take your child grocery shopping
- recruit your child to help cook and bake
- encourage your child to help set the table and serve the food

2. Make mealtimes enjoyable
- give your child ample time to transition from play to mealtime
- start the meal with a toast or a prayer
- use the opportunity when you are sitting down to talk about the day or tell stories
- try and sit down as a family as often as possible

3. Serve the meal family-style
- place the bowls on the table, family style and let your child serve herself what she wants and how much
- include something at the table that you know your child will eat

4. Let your child take it from there
- avoid games, cajoling, and convincing your child to eat
- let your child choose what and how much to eat (as long as it is what is being served)
- don't cook special, separate meals
- model healthy eating. Eat what you want your child to eat and only keep things at home that you want your child to eat.

Happy and Healthy Eating!

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The Reason Parents Worry....

"Just a Minute..."

Teaching Table Manners

Come on, just one more bite......

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