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Kerrie LaRosaParent Coach

When is the right time to start chores?

5/19/2016

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     Parents often ask me when is the right age to start chores and whether to give their children an allowance for doing chores. 

     Did you know that children as young as one can help out around the house. And guess what? They actually want to! It may seem surprising, but children actually want to feel like a contributing member of the household and they thrive when we uphold developmentally appropriate expectations. In fact, children who start chores at age 3 or 4 have better relationships, achieve more academic and career success and are more self sufficient than those that don't, according to Iowa State University. 

So what is the best way to handle chores in your household? 

1. Set realistic developmental expectations. A one year old can clean up their toys, throw something away in the trash and take their spoon to the sink after a meal. A four year old can help make dinner, set the table and make their bed. A seven year old can make their own lunch, help care for pets and sweep the floor. An eleven year old (and older) can help with the laundry, wash the car and mow the lawn. For a more complete list of age appropriate chores click here. 

2. Be consistent with your expectations. Children learn best when things are predictable and consistent. If you expect them to clean their room every day they will eventually do it without any prompting. But, if you expect them to clean it up one day and do it yourself the next day,  they will become confused about their responsibilities. 

3. Making the decision about whether to give an allowance.
I do not think that children need to earn an allowance for chores. Being part of a family or a community means helping care for the family or community and the space in which they live. Picking up after yourself, throwing litter away in the trash, and being respectful of how your noise level effects others is about empathy and respecting people with whom you share space. Modeling and showing them this respect is one of the most effective ways to teach them how to do this. However, I also think that teaching children lessons about earning, spending and saving money is valuable experience.  I recommend that children have to do some chores without receiving compensation. But, you could offer an allowance for doing an extra chore around the house (polishing silver, collecting the leaves, or washing the cars). 

In addition to teaching children about responsibility (and lightening the load for parents), chores children can benefit from chores in the following way:
* developing an in increased interest in keeping the house clean
* aquiring new skills
* spending time away from screens
* learning the value of teamwork
* spending time with family members (doing yardwork, working together on a house project)
* developing new interests (picky eaters might take an interest in cooking)

So, "if you want your child to keep their feet  on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders". (Abigail Buren). You might be surprised how much they enjoy it and how much it can help you out. 
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Parenting for the Future

5/19/2016

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In her article, Parenting not for the moment, but for the long Haul, Jessica Lahey urges parents to take the long view of parenting. Parenting is an accumulation of moments, interactions, lessons and experiences all which shape our children. We cannot stress about every one of our mistakes as parents nor dwell on our children's setbacks. Instead, it is essential to look at the bigger picture and focus on the long term goals (for most parents I work with it is some variation of raising a responsible, happy, successful adult). 

Taking the longview approach to parenting also means investing more time up front in order to help your child develop the skills they need to become responsible, happy and successful. The quick fix to a lot of parenting concerns stop the behavior short-term, but do not have a long term positive impact. 

Many of us have been in a situation where our child is misbehaving in a public setting (the grocery store for example) and in order to avoid the judgmental looks from other patrons, a parent may give their misbehaving child a lollipop. Does this method work? Yes, for the short term - it stops the behavior in that moment. But, the long term negative impact can be great, especially if this strategy is used often. A child learns that their parent can't handle their emotions, that misbehavior leads to reinforcement, or that candy calms emotions (it doesn't by the way).  Parenting for the long-term means making the tough choices to manage through the embarrassment of misbehavior and use the opportunity to teach your child a different way to communicate their needs (because that is what misbehavior is - a form of communication). 

Other ways that parents can make tough choices in the moment in favor of long term benefits are:

* Choosing to let your toddler to dress themselves (despite their frustrations or bad fashion choices) in order to encourage their self-care skills and independent thinking.
* Allowing your preschooler to walk outside to feel the cold when insisting they don't need a jacket so he can experience natural consequences and learn to make his own decision benefiting his comfort and well-being.
* Calmly encouraging your five-year-old to clean up the milk they spilled in order to foster responsibility and problem solving even though it would more efficient and cleaner to do it yourself.
* Embracing the imperfections on your school-age child's homework instead of doing it yourself to instill a sense of ownership of their work. 
* Accepting your child's feelings rather than trying to stop them, so your child learns to trust and develops emotional regulation skills. 
- maintaining limits so your child learns boundaries and self regulation
* Maintaining difficult limits despite tantrums in order to teach self-regulation and the value of boundaries. 
* Modeling and settling limits on technology in order to promote the value of interpersonal connection and real-life experiences. 

And the list could go on........
Parents are constantly faced with the dilemma of making the easy choice to avoid a potentially difficult moment with their child or make the tough choice to invest in the future of their child. 

The best way to be successful at taking the long view in parenting is to decide what that looks like for your family and create a plan to stay on that path. 

If you need help developing the longview in parenting and creating a path that you can continue walking, call or email me. I can help. 








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    Kerrie LaRosa is a parent coach and a mother of two children. She draws on her professional expertise and personal experience to provide tired parents with some quick tips, resources and fun anecdotes.

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