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Kerrie LaRosaParent Coach

Ch-Ch-Changes

6/30/2011

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We had a visit from the pacifier fairy this weekend. It was a dreaded transition. I think I had more anxiety about it than my toddler. Would I have to endure tantrums, screaming, sleepless naps and nights? So, I put it off, perhaps longer than need be. Or maybe it was just at the right time. We were ready. We created a plan and we braced ourselves for what was to come. And, fortunately, it worked! We read Pacifiers are Not Forever by Elizabeth Verdick; packed up the pacifiers (with the reluctant help of our son) and took them to the pacifier fairy with a promise of a toy if he could nap without the pacifier. It was a bit bumpy, but it worked.   

Transitions can be challenging for both parent and child. It seems like in the first couple of years there is always a transition: from multiple naps to none; bottle to sippy cup; milk to solid foods; diapers to underpants, and the list goes on. As children get older they continue to go through transitions: adjustment to school; developing peer relationships; growth spurts, puberty and adolescence.   Transitions can mean more fussiness (on part of parent and child); less sleep (dreaded by all!); and a lot of work for both parent and child to adjust. It is helpful to prepare as much as possible for these developmental transitions. Have a plan: prepare with your partner ahead of time. Prepare the child. Whether your child is three months or thirteen years, talk to him/her about the transition. Let him/her know that they are growing older and stronger and are ready for the next step. Acknowledge their feelings about the transition. Read books that help normalize the transition. You can practice or role play to prepare your child for the change. For particularly difficult transitions you may need to create a reward system to help them motivate to make the change.    

You also want to consider the pace of the transition. Is it best to transition you and the child slowly, or rip the band-aid off all at once?  Sometimes slow transitions can take longer, but may not be as anxiety provoking. Ripping the band aid off may create more angst initially, but it may resolve much faster. Whatever you decide, have confidence in yourself and your child that you can successfully transition to the next stage. Whatever transition you and your child are going through next, I wish you all the best of luck!


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The Art of Time Out

6/24/2011

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The art of time out Family Forum at Carmel Blue last night was a success! Thanks  to all the parents for coming and thanks to Sharone at Carmel Blue for hosting. It was a rich discussion about how  to address some challenging behaviors.   

We talked about how to know if time out is right for you and your child. If the time out escalates the behavior; creates a power struggle between parent and child; you have an anxious child; or you have difficulty being consistent, time out may not be the right discipline technique for you.  

We also discussed the most effective ways to implement time out. A few of the key points were: choose select behaviors for time outs (hitting, biting); wait until your child is between 2 1/2 or 3 to begin using time outs; use a dull safe place (but not the crib!); and practice time out with your child ahead of time so he/she knows what to expect.  


 Finally we discussed other effective discipline techniques that can be used in conjunction with or in lieu of time out. Some examples are: offering choices; implementing natural and logical consequences; removing toys (a toy time out) to address throwing or misuse of toys. Prevention is also a useful technique - keeping your child well-fed, well-rested and giving them lots of positive attention and praise helps reduce the need for discipline such as time outs.    



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Just Rip the Band-Aid Off

6/16/2011

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When I ask my son to do something, the response varies depending on his mood. He may comply immediately; he may say “no” (quite likely); he may ignore me; or occasionally he will say no and then comply the second time I ask. Of course I am always hoping that he will comply immediately, but he is a toddler, so that is not necessarily the norm. I, then I hope for the last scenario – that he will comply the second time around.  I really don’t want to engage in a power struggle, make a scene or think of a clever way to get him to comply. How do we encourage cooperation in a toddler? 

First of all, I know better than to ever ask, but I do it, because it seems more polite. When I ask a question, (“could you pick up your toys please?”), I am giving him the option to say no. However, if I politely, but firmly give a command, “please pick up your toys” he is more likely to comply (likely being the key word!). The more clear, concise and specific I am with my commands, “please put your trucks in the blue bin”, the more likely he will comply. 

Second, I realize that when he does not comply right away, I have a hard time letting go of the hope that he will eventually comply, thereby dragging out the situation. I waffle back and forth, and then he waffles back and forth. We are at a stand-still. I need to just rip the band-aid off.  I need to think quick, dig into my arsenal of parenting techniques and decide which one is best. Should I offer him a choice, “either pick up your toys or we can’t go to the park”. Or should I encourage him by saying, “as soon as you put away your toys we can read books”.  Or do I just wait and see what happens?

If I am wishy-washy and can’t decide what to do, how do I expect my toddler to make a decision?  Whatever I decide I need to have confidence in my decision – and just do it! When I am confident in my parenting choices, I remind my child that I am the parent.  I am providing him with the structure and support that he needs to make good decisions. And, I am reducing his anxiety about the situation, by taking pressure off him, yet, empowering him to make a choice.  The sooner I rip the band aid off, the sooner we can move on to the next adventure!

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To Challenge or to Nurture?

6/14/2011

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 As much of the country prepares to celebrate Father's Day, I was reading an article in the Wall Street Journal about the ways that Father's foster independence in their children. In "The Secret of Dad's Success," http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304665904576383464255980534.html 
Sue Schellenbarger praises a father's ability to foster independence by challenging children more than women; using distraction to avoid tantrums and tears; and resisting intervening to encourage problem solving. In contrast, women tend to encourage expression of feelings and often intervene more with the goal of fostering self confidence.    

Each parenting style is beneficial and can complement each other. Children need both.  They need to be nurtured and to have their feelings acknowledged as much as they need to be challenged to grow. And, you don't need to have a traditional family system to find that balance. I tend to be the nurturer, but I also try and foster my son's independence, as discussed in last week's blog. My partner tends to be the one to challenge our son more (and I will admit, he is usually less needy with my partner than he is with me), but he also is empathetic and nurturing. There are times that children need empathy and there are times when they need to be challenged in order to foster their independence. The challenge parents face is to determine when each parenting style is needed.  What is your parenting style? Are you more nurturing, challenging or a bit of both?
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The Power of Play

6/7/2011

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Play is a child’s work. It is how they learn. Through play they develop language and learn social skills such as cooperation and problem solving. They also develop self esteem as well as learn how to recognize and regulate their emotions.  

In addition to these amazing benefits to play, is the impact it has on the relationship between parent and child. Spending time playing with your child not only fosters their development, it also improves the parent-child relationship. Through play you not only have the power to teach your child skills, but also to teach your child that she is important and you are attune to her.

Here are some specific ways you can do this in play:
*  follow your child’s lead (don't take over the play)
* describe your child’s play (like a sports commentator)
* reflect their verbal statements
*  avoid questions (this one is a tough one to do!).

Spending even 5-15 minutes of uninterrupted play time with your child using these skills can make a huge impact on your relationship. You may even see an increase in cooperation and a reduction in tantrums. Wouldn’t that be nice? 




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    Kerrie LaRosa is a parent coach and a mother of two children. She draws on her professional expertise and personal experience to provide tired parents with some quick tips, resources and fun anecdotes.

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