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Kerrie LaRosaParent Coach

Increasing your child's emotional intelligence

9/27/2016

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"A child seldom needs a good talking to as a good listening to". ~Robert Brault

​If we are able to listen, we will see that our children’s behaviors are telling us something. Their big tears, loud screams and stomping feet communicate that they are tired, angry or scared. The challenge is that when they are in this state, they need help calming down. 

Last week I wrote about acknowledging children’s feelings as a way to demonstrate empathy, increase their emotional understanding and to help calm them down. In addition to acknowledging feelings, there are several ways to help children learn to manage their feelings.

Modeling healthy ways to manage your feelings is a very effective way to teach children. If your child watches you yelling when you are angry, that is probably the tool they will use for expressing their anger as well. However, if you express your feelings using calm words, your child will learn how to communicate their feelings calmly too. For more on modeling read this post. 

Often children are frustrated because they don’t feel like people understand them and they don’t know how to communicate their feelings or needs. Teaching our children communication tools can be an effective way of reducing their frustration and helping them manage their feelings.  

Another way to help children manage their feelings is to give them alternative behaviors (or coping skills).  I taught my son at a young age how to take deep breaths when he starts to become agitated. It is amazing how it continues to help slow him down, shift his mood and can even make him smile.  When things start to become tense, we take deep breaths together and it helps us both to calm down. Pay attention to what seems to calm your child…is it singing, whispering, or hugging? Then, listen for when your child is telling you he/she needs help calming down, and encourage him/her to use these tools. ​

Here are some ways play can help increase emotional intelligence:

* Hide- and- Go Seek reinforces connection and reduces separation anxiety.
* Jumping Jacks and movement can shift your child's mood (and yours!). 
* Red Light, Green Light teaches emotional regulation.
* Laughing and tickling release negative feelings. 
* Hugging releases oxytocin which can reduce stress and elevate mood. 





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Tuesday Tip: Riding the Emotional Roller Coaster

9/26/2016

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Recently I observed a child alternating between tearful cries and hysterical laughing. The adults in the room couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry either. This child was so filled with emotion he didn’t know what to do. A child’s experience of emotion can be so overwhelming and powerful that it can be difficult for them to manage. Let’s face it emotions can be overwhelming for adults too. Understanding and coping with emotions is a learned skill – we need to be their teachers. 

We can do this by acknowledging their feelings. “You are sad because we had to leave the park,” or “it is frustrating when you don’t get what you want”. Acknowledging feelings demonstrates empathy and increases your child’s understanding of their own emotions. 

Most adults appreciate when someone acknowledges our feelings. Empathy validates our feelings. It also comforts us and lessens those feelings of worry, sadness or anger. Similarly, children want our empathy. They want to know that we are attuned to their feelings. When my son is crying because he did not get the truck he wanted, I don’t need to give in to him to make him feel better, but I can acknowledge his feelings. “You are mad because you wanted the truck.” It doesn’t make the tears go away immediately, but it validates his feelings and helps him process them.  

The simple act of acknowledging feelings can help children manage their feelings. Stay tuned for more ideas on increasing your child's emotional intelligence. 

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"Be the change you want to see in the world.” - Gandhi

9/24/2016

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Gandhi inspired people to change the world, by first changing themselves. In parenting, we need to "be the change we want to see" in our children.  

Children learn by observing others. They imitate everything we do – whether that is being polite to our neighbors or honking impatiently at the driver in front of us. 

One of the most effective ways to change our children's problematic behavior is to model the way we want them to behave. If we say please and thank you, so will our children. If we eat healthy foods, hopefully our children will too. And, if we are able to take deep breaths instead of honking, our children will learn to manage their feelings in a more constructive way.

Being a good role model for our children not only helps them grow into responsible, independent and thoughtful people but gives us an opportunity to change our bad habits and become better people.

So the next time the driver on their cell phone tests your patience, think about your child's curious eyes watching you, take a deep breath, and model for your child a positive way to respond to a frustrating situation.

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Tuesday Tip: Put on your Oxygen Mask First

9/12/2016

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School is in full swing and hopefully you and your children are adjusting to the new routine. It is important to continue to maintain a consistent routine and encourage healthy sleep habits, good nutrition, quality time together in order to keep things going as smoothly as possible. But, in order to do these things successfully you need to take care of yourself. 

As a parent it can seem counter-intuitive to put on your own oxygen mask before your child's - especially in an emergency. But, if we parents are unable to breathe, we cannot help our children.  And that goes for everyday life too!


In order to be a better parent, we must first take care of ourselves. We need to make space in our busy days  to do something we love, something that will restore us and give us the energy we need to handle the difficult job of being a parent. 

As a parent, I realize that it is easier said than done! So, start small - take five minutes right now to close your eyes, take some deep breaths, listen to your favorite song, or walk around the block.  Invite your partner to do the same - or better yet, do it together.

If we are able to make even a little time for ourselves, we will have more energy, more patience and less stress. Only then can we be the best  parents that we strive to be.
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Tuesday Tip: Stop Telling Kids what To Do!

9/12/2016

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​I don't mean stop setting limits or holding expectations for your child, but stop intervening when it's unnecessary. 

A child's job is to learn to do things for herself and when adults do for children what they can do for themselves, they send a message:

"You are not capable"

But, when adults step aside (in a loving, empathic and supportive way), they send a different message:

"You are capable, I have faith in you"

When I stopped telling my children what to do they blossomed. They gained confidence in their abilities, they developed problem solving skills, they were less anxious, took more risks, and learned to recover from mistakes.  All of these skills are essential for optimal learning, development and success.

So, I fight my instincts to intervene too quickly or make decisions for my children in order to give them the space to do it themselves. 

Instead of dressing my daughter for school so she looks cute, I let her choose her outfit and dress herself. 

Instead of insisting my child makes his bed the way I like it, I step aside and let him do it his way. 

​Instead of jumping in every time my children argue, I give them time and space to resolve their conflict on their own. 

Instead of telling my son how to spell a difficult word I encourage him to figure it out on his own. 

Instead of getting angry when my child spills her water, I tell her that everyone makes mistakes.  

Instead of cleaning up my daughter's spilt water, I offer her a towel to clean it up herself. 


It is hard to see children struggle, to let them do things imperfectly, to make mistakes and to let go of some control. But, when we do, we offer them invaluable experiences that instill confidence, opportunities to develop new skills and the courage to take risks. 

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Tuesday Tip: Spend Quality Time with your Child - It May Make them Smarter

9/6/2016

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A positive parent-child relationship is essential for a child’s healthy social, emotional, physical and intellectual development. Spending time with a child is the best way to build a strong parent-child connection, but the quality of the time matters more than the quantity.

            Most of you reading this blog probably already spend a tremendous amount of time focused on your children. Whether you are meeting their physical needs, staying home with them, worrying about them while you are at work or they are at school, helping them with homework or shuttling them to and from their various activities, you are spending a lot of time and energy on your children.  But, the question is, whether all this time spent on children is fostering a positive parent-child connection.
 
            It is possible to spend time with your children without making a lot of connections. But, when parents make connections with their children, children learn how to regulate their emotions, they develop social skills, their behavior improves and their brains are primed for learning.
 
            It is so easy to get caught up in the everyday rush, but it is not possible to make connections while distracted. Making a connection requires a parent to slow down, be present and attune to the child’s needs.
 
            Here are some ways to make the most out of everyday and connect with your child.


1. Figure out your Child’s Love Language

According to Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, co-authors of The 5 Love Languages of Children, children have different preferences for connecting with their parents. Figure out what your child’s preferred mode of connection is. If they are fueled by physical touch, give them lots of hugs throughout the day and spend time cuddling with them before bed. If they feel connected with quality time, spend time going for a walk, reading books together or playing a board game (even going on an errand together can be positive quality time).

2. Create Goodbye Rituals

Transitions can be challenging. Even though you are pressed for time during these transitions it is crucial to make a connection before separating and when reuniting. Create goodbye/goodnight rituals with your children and be sure to connect when you see each other again.  

​3. Steal Small Moments

Spending quality time does have to be long or involved. There are lots of opportunities throughout the day to make connections so take advantage of them. Appreciate your child for taking out the trash, stop what you are doing to marvel at their latest lego creation, sit with your child while they are drawing, join your child in play, take an interest in their interests and listen when they want to tell you about their day (without judgment or questions). 

4. Limit distractions

There are so many things pulling on parents both inside and outside the home. It is not possible to give children 100% of a parent’s time or attention (nor is it necessary). But there are times when it is important to put aside the distractions (phones, to-do lists) and focus on children in order to be fully present

5. Tune In
Making connections is more than being in the same room; it is about being tuned into your child’s emotional needs.  When the distractions are put away it is easier to pay attention to and meet a child’s needs. 
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    Kerrie LaRosa is a parent coach and a mother of two children. She draws on her professional expertise and personal experience to provide tired parents with some quick tips, resources and fun anecdotes.

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