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Kerrie LaRosaParent Coach

Learning can be messy

11/29/2012

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Learning can be messy
 
Before becoming parents, many people have visions of those blissful moments of the baby's first steps, the child learning to ride a bike and the teenager's smile as she drives the car by herself for the first time. 
  
In imagination, these are movie-like moments. The sun is shining, music is playing in the background and it is all happening in slow motion so the parent can savor the moment. 
 
Unfortunately, it does not always happen this way. Not that these moments are not happy or exciting, but they may not go as smoothly as hoped. Your baby may stumble after taking her first step, your child may have endured tears of frustration before mastering the bike without training wheels and you may be
avoiding the neighbors looks as your teen drives off blasting loud music and honking her horn.

Learning is messy (literally and figuratively). Literally, learning can create a mess that needs to be cleaned up from the messy faces and floors while children learn to eat their first foods to the spilled milk as a toddler learns to drink from a cup, to mismatched outfits and potty training (need I say more).

Figuratively, learning can be a messy process. Watching your child get frustrated and struggle to tie his own shoe, witnessing your child's disappointment when she did not receive the grade she wanted on her homework and feeling the anxiety (and bumps) as your teen learns to parralel park.
 
There is a way to avoid these messes: take over and do it yourself. But then your child will not learn for themselves how to do these things (and you will end up working harder than you need to).

 
Everyday there are moments when a parent can take the opportunity to help their child learn. You have a choice to step out of the way, let them struggle, stay calm, and tolerate their mistakes and messes. By doing this you can build confidence, encourage self reliance and foster autonomy in your child.

Please share your  child's messiest learning experience!
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Avoiding Travel Disasters

11/20/2012

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The busiest travel time of the year is here. Travelling can be quite stressful - managing the crowds, dealing with delays and scrambling through security. Travelling with children adds another layer of challenges. Here are some travel tips for making the journey a bit easier.

It takes some preparation to get ready for a trip. First, I prepare my son. I tell him where we are going and who we will be visiting. I show him pictures and read him stories. He loves the books: Going on a Plane (Usborne First Experiences) by Anne Civardi and My First Airplane Ride by Patricia Hubbel. I make sure he has
plenty of healthy (and not messy) snacks, water and milk. I encourage him to drink something during take off and when we begin our decent - the sucking reduces ear pressure. I also bring him a variety of toys (including some new ones) that will sustain his attention like books, crayons, stickers and interactive toys.  I also stock my iphone with children's apps.

Being away from home and travelling to unfamiliar places can be difficult for children. Bringing transitional objects such as a favorite toy, blankie or stuffed animal can ease the anxiety about travelling and remind him/her of home. 

When we get to our destination, I let him explore the room he will be sleeping in before he has to go to sleep. I try to stick to his routine as much as possible. I follow the same nap schedule (if possible) and maintain his regular bedtime routine. For more information on managing sleep while travelling, read
the Sleepeasy Solution by Jennifer Waldburger, LCSW and Jill Spivack, LCSW.   

Travelling is not as relaxing as it once was, but with some preparation it can still be a lot of fun. I hope these tips help and if you have some of your own travel tips, please share! 

Happy and Safe Travels!
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Adoption Day

11/16/2012

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"He who can reach a child's heart can reach the world's
heart." - Rudyard Kipling

There are so many ways to create a family and adoption is one of them. Tomorrow, Saturday, November 17th is National Adoption Day. According to
www.nationaladoptionday.org, "Every year on the Saturday before Thanksgiving, parents, judges and
child advocates join together to do something great – create forever families. National Adoption Day is a collective effort to raise awareness of the more than 100,000 children waiting in foster care. This one-day offers communities across the country the opportunity to finalize adoptions and celebrate  adoptive families."
 
I have not had the pleasure of attending National Adoption
Day festivities, but I have been honored to witness the finalization of an adoption. On that special day a wonderfully loving family
fulfilled their dream of adopting a 4-year-old boy who
was equally as happy to officially become a permanent part of this family.

To learn more about adoption and National Adoption Day go
to
www.nationaladoptionday.org.

"If a child is born and raised in a home that is loving and nurturing, where there is complete truth about who we
are, you can't give a child any greater place from which to fly."  Amanda Bearse, adoptive parent
(http://www.adoptionopen.com/adoptionquotes.html)
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Is Generosity Genetic?

11/10/2012

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A recent Wall Street Journal Article ('It's Mine! The Shelfish Gene, by Kevin Helliker) discusses the possibility that a variation in a gene that is linked to social behavior could predetermine your toddler's penchant for sharing. Could this be? Most theories about a child's ability to share are based on a toddler's social-emotional development.   

In the first three years children are just gaining a sense of autonomy. In fact, in the first couple of months, they don't understand that they are a separate being from their caregiver. At each developmental milestone, (crawling, talking, walking, among others) children become more aware that they are an individual, separate from others. However, this new found sense of autonomy does not make them any less egocentric, and in fact often heightens their impulse to shout, "mine" and protect their possessions as if their life depended on it. They see the world through their own eyes and have yet to develop a sense of empathy.   

In a previous post (to Share or not to Share http://www.larosaparentcoach.com/1/post/2011/08/to-share-or-not-to-share.html , I explained how this egocentricity is normal and that parents don't need to worry if their child does not want to share.  Most children do not share because they are altruistic. It is more likely that they will share because they have been taught that it is socially appropriate to share by their caregivers. It is the beginning stages of learning empathy, sharing, cooperation and social skills.   


Even if this research study is right - that there is a gene that predicts altruism/selfishness - It is unlikely that it will prevent a child from developing into a generous person. A child may be more or less likely to become an altruistic adult based on a gene, but there are many other factors that play a role. Modeling and teaching cooperation, empathy and sharing will increase the likelihood (gene or no gene) that your child will develop into an empathic, generous and altruistic person. 

Click here to read the Wall Street Journal Article referenced: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204450804576623162047263634.html 

 

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Remember to Play

11/10/2012

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Play is a topic I feel so passionate about that I have written previous posts about play and will dedicate the next few weeks to writing more about it. 

Play is a child's work. Through play, children develop gross and fine motor skills; learn academic, social, and emotional skills; build self confidence and connect with others. Reserving some time for play each day is important for a child's development as well as for the parent-child relationship. 

Play can also prevent misbehavior. Often when parents are struggling with a child behavior issue I remind them to play with their child everyday using the skills I wrote about in this guide: The Best Ways to Play This small investment in time (as little as 10 minutes each day) can reduce the number of behavior issues.    

Happy Playing!

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"Stop crying or else!"

11/9/2012

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Picture
I recently witness an unpleasant scene at the local children's barbershop. 
(This is not the picture of the child I am discussing). 
A child was adamant against getting his hair cut. Maybe he was tired, maybe he was hungry, maybe he was scared, but he was definitely screaming and crying. The other parents and children waiting all tried to avoid staring and tried to reassure the children that the boy was not being tortured by getting his haircut (for fear that they would never want to get their haircut again). As the child continued to cry, the mother became more anxious and in an act of desperation pleaded with her child, "if you stop crying you can have a lollipop", and threatened her child, "if you don't stop crying there will be no Halloween".
 
These are not tactics I would typically recommend. But, I do not judge. This could easily be my child crying. In fact recently he was that kid screaming in the doctor's office before he got his flu shot (can't say that I blame him). 
 
So, why wouldn't I recommend giving the child a lollipop? I am not opposed to giving rewards (if used sparingly), but this was a bribe, not a reward. The distinction is slight, but the impact is huge. A bribe is given to someone in the hope that they do what you ask. A reward is given once there is compliance. A bribe reinforces the negative behavior.  

And, why wouldn't I recommend taking away Halloween if the child doesn't stop crying? This one may be a bit more obvious, but it's probably an empty threat; desperate attempt to stop the crying and regain control of the situation. So, what if it doesn't work? What if the child continues to cry? Will this mother still take Halloween away? Probably not, in which case the child learns that his mother will not follow through on what she says. But, it happens. Parents take away Holidays, Birthday parties or family outings because of a child's behavior. On the one hand, these parents deserve praise for following through on the limits they set. On the other hand, these big consequences are not as effective as parents may think. For a consequence to be most effective it should be natural, logical and as immediate as possible. Consequences like taking away a Holiday rarely meet these criteria. And, these tend to punish everyone in the family which creates undue resentment towards the misbehaving child.

So, what do you do if you threatened something you can't follow through on (or don't want to follow through on) like taking tv away forever? Once everyone is calm and you realize you cannot live without tv anymore than your child can, you can level with your child. "I am sorry I threatened to take the tv away. I think both of us would miss it too much. I was just really hoping you would sit still for your haircut. I realize you were just scared. What do you think we can do next time you go to get your haircut to help you sit still?"
 

How do you respond in the moment? When our child is screaming (and our cheeks are getting flushed with embarrassment?). Stay close, stay calm, hold them, hug them or hold their hand. Acknowledge their feelings and hope that they calm down! You will get through it. You always do.


Please share your stories of those embarrassing public moments (everyone has one!). 

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Sandy

11/2/2012

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The storm is over, but the impacts of this storm continue to affect a large number of people on the east coast. With many people still without power, some without homes, and others grieving the loss of loved ones, this is a challenging time for families.  Maslow tells us to meet safety and physiological needs first. Once those needs are met, then you can meet the emotional needs. 

This storm has caused a lot of anxiety, anger and grief in both adults and children. If you have experienced the impacts of Sandy (whether you were present for the storm or whether you know people impacted by the storm), your child may become more fearful, clingy or anxious. You may also notice changes in your child's behavior such as regression, trouble sleeping, and acting out.  

If you or someone you know has been impacted by Sandy and you have concerns about your child's behavior or questions about how to talk to your child about the storm and its impacts, please contact me for a free telephone or skype session to discuss ways to help you and your family address these concerns and navigate this difficult time. 
kerrie@larosaparentcoach.com
(718)974-7375

Here is an article that gives more information about talking to children about Sandy and other storms/natural disasters http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-parenting/post/making-sense-of-hurricane-sandy/2012/10/30/6429a012-22d2-11e2-8448-81b1ce7d6978_blog.html
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Either Shape up or Ship out

11/1/2012

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We may want to shout this at times, but unfortunately, it usually does not get the result we want - which is to have our children comply with our commands. When done right, offering choices can be a very effective parenting technique. It can be used both as a discipline tool and as a way to empower children and encourage their independence.   

Children don't have a lot of input in what they do or where they go. Offering them choices throughout the day gives them a sense of empowerment and independence. If they are given a lot of choices during the day they are less likely to resist the times they do not have a choice. Offer simple, benign choices such as, "Would you like to play with your blocks or your cars? Would you like to wear the blue shirt of the yellow shirt?"   

Using choices as a discipline tool can be harder, but it can also be very effective. Your child may not have a choice about whether to leave the park or not, but you could give him/her the choice of how to leave the park: "Would you like to walk home or run home, or when you leave a friend's house, "Would you like to leave now or in 5 minutes?". Parents often ask children questions rather than give direct commands, for example: "Would you like to have dinner now?" We are trying to be polite, but we give them the option to say no. I assume that in most households children do not have the choice of whether to have dinner or not, but they might have the choice to decide how they will eat. "Would you like to use your blue fork or your red fork tonight?" This tactic often redirects children enough to start thinking about their choices, rather than resisting the command.   

A few things to keep in mind when using choices: keep them simple and easy-to-understand, give only two choices (more than two can be overwhelming), and make sure you can live with either choice (if you give your child the option to put his shoes on or stay home, you better be ok with forgoing your plans if he chooses that option).  


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    Kerrie LaRosa is a parent coach and a mother of two children. She draws on her professional expertise and personal experience to provide tired parents with some quick tips, resources and fun anecdotes.

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