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Guest Post: A Single Parent’s Guide to Relationship Building with Your Kids

2/21/2018

As we watch our children grow up, we hope for the best. We hope that our efforts teach them to respect others, think independently, make responsible decisions, and pursue their own happiness. The best way to ensure they do these things is by doing more than simply taking care of their basic needs… you have to really work at building a relationship with your children.

As a single parent, you have your work cut out for you. You have to manage your resources, build a support network, and deal with the anxieties of parenthood-- all on your own. However, when it comes to building a relationship with your children, you form a deeper bond. Research also shows that single parents tend to be kinder to their children than parents who are married. Your child or children see how hard you work, how you are there for them, and they appreciate it in a way that is different from a two parent family.

Setting A Positive Example as a Single Parent

Being a single parent is not easy in any sense of the word. It’s important to take care of your mental health as you deal with complications that arise. Not only will it help you deal with what life throws are you, but it also sets a good example for your children. Life isn’t easy, as your children will learn as they grow. They need a positive role model that can show them it’s okay to admit when you need help and that making your mental health a priority is a good thing.
● Take care of yourself physically-- the mind/body connection is real! Eat right, exercise, and get a sufficient amount of sleep.
● Make time for the things you enjoy.
● Practice healthy coping mechanisms for stress.
● Ask for help from your support system if you need it.

Establishing a Deeper Relationship with Your Children

The parent/child relationship is not supposed to be that of buddies. You still have to act as an authority figure and a moral guide as your kids grow. The cool news is your relationship with your child is more unique and more profound than that of a friend. Here are some ways to build a deeper relationship as your child grows.
● If you have more than one child, make time to spend with them individually. It doesn’t have to be a big production, but make a date night once a month where you can catch up and give them your full attention.
● Be encouraging when it comes to the dreams and desires. However, it’s also important to be honest about the work that it will take to get there.
● Don’t be afraid to get into their space. Pay attention to what they like when it comes to movies, books, and other media. Ask them questions about their day and really work to get answers out of them. Sometimes children don’t speak up because they think no one cares, so it’s important you show them that you do.
● Be honest and real with your children. Sugarcoating things isn’t going to do them any favors in the real world.
● Have fun with you kids! Letting them see your silly side as well as your authoritative side prepares them for the duality of life.
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As a single parent, you have double the amount of work when it comes to raising your children. However, the bond between a single parent and their kids can be much deeper and kinder than that of married parents and theirs. Set a good example for them by taking care of your mental health-- you can’t care for anyone else until you care for yourself. It’s also important to establish a bond with your children without trying to be their buddy. Be there for them even when they don’t seem like they want you to be… They will appreciate it as they grow into healthy, well
adjusted adults.

Daniel is a single dad raising two children. At DadSolo.com, he aims to provide other single dads with information and resources to help them better equip themselves on the journey that is parenthood.

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Tuesday Tip: This Election is a Teaching Moment

11/8/2016

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With all the stress and tension around this election it can be difficult to talk to our children about it. But, this is a teachable moment. This is an opportunity to encourage our children:

* The importance of voting
* How to make informed decisions
* Respecting other people's opinions
* Using respectful language to talk about others

I have heard hateful words from young children's mouths about the candidates in the election and frightening words about each candidate. The concerns that many people feel about the election should not be passed on to the children. It is our job to make them feel that this world is a mostly safe place and the only way to do that is to talk to them in an age-appropriate way about the state of the world. And, if you talk to them about the challenges and tragedies and injustices in the world you keep in mind their age, help them process their feelings and help them problem solve ways to be part of the solution.

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Tuesday Tip: Food Allergy Awareness

10/24/2016

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Last week I posted about the Teal Pumpkin Project and making Halloween a fun and safe experience for children with food allergies. I wanted to follow up with some additional information about food allergies. According to FARE (Food Allergy Research and Education) 1 in 13 children in the United States has a food allergy. Chances are you, someone in your family or someone you know has a food allergy.

Not only can it be a life threatening issue, but it can be a confusing and frustrating thing for a child. It is hard for a child to understand why they cannot eat the same things as other children. Even if your child does not have an allergy, teaching her about food allergies helps teach her empathy, increase awareness of the issue and may even help keep a child with food allergies safe.

Food allergies is not an area of expertise for me, but rather a personal issue as it impacts some children very close to me. I hope that spreading awareness will help these children and future children to have a safer food experience.

So in order to support the cause, I am passing along some wonderful resources that I hope will be useful.

FARE (Food Allergy Research and Education) is an amazing resource to help people struggling with food allergies as well as for people who want to learn more.

No Biggie Bu nch has several children's books to help children with food allergies manage social challenges that arise with allergies.

Mimi's Baking Adventure has a wonderful children's book about baking an allergy friendly for a friend's birthday with a wonderful allergy-safe recipe included!

Allergy Buddies sell products that alert people to a child's food allergy.

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Tuesday Tip: Trust the Developmental Process

10/11/2016

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This past weekend I had the pleasure of speaking at the Eat-Sleep-Love Birth and Babies Fair on Development and Play. The main take aways from the talk were:

* Every child develops at their own pace
* Have faith in the natural developmental process
* Learning happens through play
* Play with your child
* Give your child ample opportunities to play
* Let them explore, struggle, stumble and get back up

I also gave them a development-at-a-glance handout that can be useful for having realistic expectations for a baby's development and as a guide for what a parent can do to support their baby's healthy development. I hope that you find it a useful tool too. Comment below if you have older children and would like me to create something similar for older children.

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Tuesday Tip: Stop and Smell the Roses

10/3/2016

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Everyday my children teach me about enjoying life's small pleasures. I can't say that I always appreciate it. I am task oriented and often focused on getting to the store; getting through the bedtime routine or getting the laundry done. My children, however, enjoy the process of the task and could care less about whether it gets done. They enjoy the walk to the playground as much as the swings once we get there.

I can't always indulge them. Sometimes we really have to get to the store before it closes or tackle the pile of laundry. But when I can, I try to enjoy the world through their eyes...noticing every intricacy in the sidewalk; waving hello to the people walking by; and noticing the sights and sounds around us. I try to reserve a time in the afternoon when my children can lead the way; when I can follow in their footsteps and appreciate the things I take for granted. During these times I enjoy the walk and don't worry about the destination.

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Increasing your child's emotional intelligence

9/27/2016

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"A child seldom needs a good talking to as a good listening to". ~Robert Brault

If we are able to listen, we will see that our children’s behaviors are telling us something. Their big tears, loud screams and stomping feet communicate that they are tired, angry or scared. The challenge is that when they are in this state, they need help calming down.

Last week I wrote about acknowledging children’s feelings as a way to demonstrate empathy, increase their emotional understanding and to help calm them down. In addition to acknowledging feelings, there are several ways to help children learn to manage their feelings.

Modeling healthy ways to manage your feelings is a very effective way to teach children. If your child watches you yelling when you are angry, that is probably the tool they will use for expressing their anger as well. However, if you express your feelings using calm words, your child will learn how to communicate their feelings calmly too. For more on modeling read this post.

Often children are frustrated because they don’t feel like people understand them and they don’t know how to communicate their feelings or needs. Teaching our children communication tools can be an effective way of reducing their frustration and helping them manage their feelings.

Another way to help children manage their feelings is to give them alternative behaviors (or coping skills). I taught my son at a young age how to take deep breaths when he starts to become agitated. It is amazing how it continues to help slow him down, shift his mood and can even make him smile. When things start to become tense, we take deep breaths together and it helps us both to calm down. Pay attention to what seems to calm your child…is it singing, whispering, or hugging? Then, listen for when your child is telling you he/she needs help calming down, and encourage him/her to use these tools.

Here are some ways play can help increase emotional intelligence:

* Hide- and- Go Seek reinforces connection and reduces separation anxiety.
* Jumping Jacks and movement can shift your child's mood (and yours!).
* Red Light, Green Light teaches emotional regulation.
* Laughing and tickling release negative feelings.
* Hugging releases oxytocin which can reduce stress and elevate mood.

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Tuesday Tip: Riding the Emotional Roller Coaster

9/26/2016

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Recently I observed a child alternating between tearful cries and hysterical laughing. The adults in the room couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry either. This child was so filled with emotion he didn’t know what to do. A child’s experience of emotion can be so overwhelming and powerful that it can be difficult for them to manage. Let’s face it emotions can be overwhelming for adults too. Understanding and coping with emotions is a learned skill – we need to be their teachers.

We can do this by acknowledging their feelings. “You are sad because we had to leave the park,” or “it is frustrating when you don’t get what you want”. Acknowledging feelings demonstrates empathy and increases your child’s understanding of their own emotions.

Most adults appreciate when someone acknowledges our feelings. Empathy validates our feelings. It also comforts us and lessens those feelings of worry, sadness or anger. Similarly, children want our empathy. They want to know that we are attuned to their feelings. When my son is crying because he did not get the truck he wanted, I don’t need to give in to him to make him feel better, but I can acknowledge his feelings. “You are mad because you wanted the truck.” It doesn’t make the tears go away immediately, but it validates his feelings and helps him process them.

The simple act of acknowledging feelings can help children manage their feelings. Stay tuned for more ideas on increasing your child's emotional intelligence.

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"Be the change you want to see in the world.” - Gandhi

9/24/2016

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Gandhi inspired people to change the world, by first changing themselves. In parenting, we need to "be the change we want to see" in our children.

Children learn by observing others. They imitate everything we do – whether that is being polite to our neighbors or honking impatiently at the driver in front of us.

One of the most effective ways to change our children's problematic behavior is to model the way we want them to behave. If we say please and thank you, so will our children. If we eat healthy foods, hopefully our children will too. And, if we are able to take deep breaths instead of honking, our children will learn to manage their feelings in a more constructive way.

Being a good role model for our children not only helps them grow into responsible, independent and thoughtful people but gives us an opportunity to change our bad habits and become better people.

So the next time the driver on their cell phone tests your patience, think about your child's curious eyes watching you, take a deep breath, and model for your child a positive way to respond to a frustrating situation.

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Tuesday Tip: Put on your Oxygen Mask First

9/12/2016

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School is in full swing and hopefully you and your children are adjusting to the new routine. It is important to continue to maintain a consistent routine and encourage healthy sleep habits, good nutrition, quality time together in order to keep things going as smoothly as possible. But, in order to do these things successfully you need to take care of yourself.

As a parent it can seem counter-intuitive to put on your own oxygen mask before your child's - especially in an emergency. But, if we parents are unable to breathe, we cannot help our children. And that goes for everyday life too!

In order to be a better parent, we must first take care of ourselves. We need to make space in our busy days to do something we love, something that will restore us and give us the energy we need to handle the difficult job of being a parent.

As a parent, I realize that it is easier said than done! So, start small - take five minutes right now to close your eyes, take some deep breaths, listen to your favorite song, or walk around the block. Invite your partner to do the same - or better yet, do it together.

If we are able to make even a little time for ourselves, we will have more energy, more patience and less stress. Only then can we be the best parents that we strive to be.

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Tuesday Tip: Stop Telling Kids what To Do!

9/12/2016

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I don't mean stop setting limits or holding expectations for your child, but stop intervening when it's unnecessary.

A child's job is to learn to do things for herself and when adults do for children what they can do for themselves, they send a message:

"You are not capable"

But, when adults step aside (in a loving, empathic and supportive way), they send a different message:

"You are capable, I have faith in you"

When I stopped telling my children what to do they blossomed. They gained confidence in their abilities, they developed problem solving skills, they were less anxious, took more risks, and learned to recover from mistakes. All of these skills are essential for optimal learning, development and success.

So, I fight my instincts to intervene too quickly or make decisions for my children in order to give them the space to do it themselves.

Instead of dressing my daughter for school so she looks cute, I let her choose her outfit and dress herself.

Instead of insisting my child makes his bed the way I like it, I step aside and let him do it his way.

Instead of jumping in every time my children argue, I give them time and space to resolve their conflict on their own.

Instead of telling my son how to spell a difficult word I encourage him to figure it out on his own.

Instead of getting angry when my child spills her water, I tell her that everyone makes mistakes.

Instead of cleaning up my daughter's spilt water, I offer her a towel to clean it up herself.

It is hard to see children struggle, to let them do things imperfectly, to make mistakes and to let go of some control. But, when we do, we offer them invaluable experiences that instill confidence, opportunities to develop new skills and the courage to take risks.

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Guest Post: A Single Parent’s Guide to Relationship Building with Your Kids

Tuesday Tip: This Election is a Teaching Moment

Tuesday Tip: Food Allergy Awareness

Tuesday Tip: Trust the Developmental Process

Tuesday Tip: Stop and Smell the Roses

Increasing your child's emotional intelligence

Tuesday Tip: Riding the Emotional Roller Coaster

"Be the change you want to see in the world.” - Gandhi

Tuesday Tip: Put on your Oxygen Mask First

Tuesday Tip: Stop Telling Kids what To Do!

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