Category: Children - Kerrie LaRosaParent Coach

No Yelling? Then, What?

1/29/2014

I have had parents say, if I can't yell and I can't spank children, then what can I do to get my children to listen to me?

There are lots of different discipline strategies. Some work better than others depending on the behavior and the temperament of the child. But, they are harder to implement than yelling or spanking. But, the benefit of these alternative discipline techniques is that they are more effective in the long term and work to improve your relationship rather than add strain to it.

These alternative discipline techniques require patience. So, the first step is to take care of yourself. Prioritize taking breaks, making time for yourself as impossible as it seems. Even if it is 5 minutes a day it can make you a better parent. You need to put on your own oxygen mask first . Parenting is challenging. Children push your buttons, they stretch your patience and sometimes can drive you absolutely bonkers! So the more you can fill up your bucket of patience the more likely you will have the patience to calmly handle the challenging moments.

Next, you want to be equipped with the right discipline tools. Think about the recurring behaviors and come up with a plan for how to handle them. If your child continues to hit his sister. Decide how you want to address it and be consistent. Will you use time out, will you separate the siblings, will you teach alternative ways for your child to express his frustration?

Let your actions speak louder than your words. The beauty of choosing the right discipline technique is that you may not even have to speak (or yell). If your child throws a toy, the toy is put away - you don't even need to say anything. If you are consistent, your child will learn that if she misuses her toys she will not get to play with them.

Wait a minute. If your child is pushing your buttons and you are not sure what to do. Take a minute, think about how you want to address the situation before you react. Unless there is an issue of safety, you don't need to respond immediately to discipline effectively.

If you do yell and feel badly about it afterwards, forgive yourself. And, ask your child for forgiveness. You can maintain the limit your were setting and still apologize for how you delivered the message. For example, "I am sorry for yelling. It is not ok to hit your sister and if it happens again you will still need to go to time out, but I will work on telling you to go to time out in a calmer voice." Everybody makes mistakes, it is how we reconcile those mistakes that really matters. If you are patient with yourself, it will be easier to be patient with your children.

Eat Your Veggies!!

4/4/2013

Picky eating is a common concern among parents of toddlers and sometimes older children. Parents worry that their children are not eating enough or getting the proper nutrition for optimal development, sleep and behavior.

Parents also can become frustrated that their child refuses to eat food they have spent time preparing or wastes food.

In acts of desperation parents often resort to catering to their picky eater, preparing them special meals, sometimes multiple meals at one sitting.

Mealtimes can become a battle, a place of anxiety, and frustration.
This can often worsen the problem making the picky eater more resistant to new foods.

If you struggle with a picky eater, stay tuned. This month I will be writing about picky eating and will help you to learn more about:

1. Why kids are picky eaters.

2. The benefits and disadvantages of becoming the sneaky chef (tricking your child into eating veggies hidden in his favorite foods) hiding veggies in your child's food)

3. Techniques for encouraging your child to develop healthy eating habits

4. Teaching your child table manners: what is age appropriate.

Taming Tantrums

3/5/2013

Whether you call them the terrible twos or the terrific twos, two-year-olds usually have tantrums. And, unfortunately, tantruming doesn't always stop when children turn two!

It is one of the most common reasons parents contact me. Tantrums are embarrassing, hard to ignore and can be frustrating.

Tantrums are the result of a toddler's emotional immaturity, inability to regulate their feelings and lack of impulse control. A perfect storm.

Most parents have experienced their child screaming, crying, flailing and making a scene. So what can you do about tantrums?

1. Understand them - what is a child saying by their behavior (Is she hungry, tired, or just want something they can't have?)

2. Prevent them - a well-fed, well-rested child with lots of positive parental attention is less likely to throw tantrums. And, if you notice your child becoming irritable, try and figure out what he might need to prevent it from escalating into a tantrum.

3. "Accept them" - it happens to everyone, don't worry about what others think and try and stay calm. It is much easier to manage them if you are calm, and your child needs you to be calm in order for her to calm down.

4. Manage them - there are different techniques which I list below. Which one you use depends on your child's temperament, the intensity of the tantrum and the environment you are in when the tantrum is occurring.

Ignore it if there are not safety concerns.
Read a book out loud while sitting near your child or redirect him and try and engage him in a different activity.
Acknowledge your child's feelings.
When your child is calm, teach her calming techniques such as deep breathing, counting, or asking for a hug and remind her when she is tantruming.
Remove your child from the triggering situation.
Be Consistent. Do not give in.

What are your tantrum taming tricks?

Who is the best parent? You are!

2/21/2013

In the past couple of years there have been debates about who are the best parents? Are the Chinese the best parents? What about the French? Any votes for the Americans? The competition and comparisons between parenting styles isn't just debated on the global level. Neighbors compare, siblings compare, even friends compare parenting styles. There are the attachment parents, helicopter parents, and Tiger moms. But, what about the "I'm just doing my very best" parent?

I don't think these parenting debates serve much of a purpose (except to sell books). I enjoy reading about different parenting styles and how different cultures parent (that is part of my job). But, I am not in the business of making judgments about who is the best. The reality is that you are the best parent for your child.

Every parent has their struggles and every parent has their strengths. Know your strengths, utilize your strengths and don't worry about your neighbor. Parenting is not a competition. And, even if it was, your children would choose you as the winner every time. Your children do not care how well you sing, as long as you are singing to them. Your children do not care what you look like when you show up to their recitals as long as you are there. Your child does not care if you are an award winning chef, they just want you to eat dinner with them. Your children do not care how funny you look playing dress up, just that you are playing with them. Your children only care that you meet their needs, spend time with them and love them unconditionally.

For the love of reading

1/14/2013

The library is a wonderful place for children for all the obvious
reason. They have free books,
they promote reading and
they foster learning.

Libraries are a great resource for other reasons as well. The library is a great place to go on a rainy day. There are of course the countless books to take you on endless adventures with your child. Most libraries also have a children's section with a cozy reading area, toys, and puzzles. You can spend hours there without having to spend a dime.

The library is an opportunity to teach your child the skills of sharing and responsibility. Your child will learn the concept of borrowing; caring for something that is not his and the responsibility of returning the book in good condition and on time.

For the love of reading, visit your local library and enjoy all it has to offer!

The Power of Storytelling

1/3/2013

One of the highlights of the holidays is being with family. One of my favorite moments from the holidays was watching the interaction between a nephew and his uncle. The uncle was telling the nephew a story. And the nephew was captivated. The uncle's tone of voice, facial expressions and creative storyline engaged the nephew who responded with his own facial expressions of surprise, excitement and anticipation. But, most of all I enjoyed witnessing the connection forming between the two of them as they shared this special moment.

In addition to being entertaining, storytelling positively impacts a
child's development in the following ways:

* Fosters positive connections and improves relationships
* Builds language skills
* Develops concentration and listening skills
* Increases emotional vocabulary
* Improves feeling identification

The best part of storytelling is that all you need is your imagination! You can tell stories anywhere - in the car, at dinner, while on a walk or when you are at home and looking for something fun to do. So start telling stories and
encourage your child to come up with their own stories. The whole family will
benefit from those special moments!

Is my child's response to the news about Sandyhook normal?

12/23/2012

I have had several parents contact me to discuss their child's response to the news about the tragedies at Sandyhook Elementary School. Here is some information to help you understand your child's behavior and know when to seek professional advice.

It is normal for children to explore themes of good and evil in play and in their artwork. However, if this play is in response to traumatic news such as the shooting at Sandyhook Elementary School, it is especially important to communicate with your child's teachers and child care providers and monitor your child's play, artwork and behavior both inside and outside your home.

Contact me or a profession if you notice any of the following:

* Your child continues to repeat the same theme.
* You notice an increasing amount of violence in the play.
* Your child becomes physically or verbally aggressive.
* You notice any changes in sleeping, eating or behavior patterns.
* Your child is experiencing nightmares
* Your child has become more fearful
* Your child is having difficult separating from you or caregivers

To help your child, monitor and limit your child's exposure to information and details in the news and maintain open lines of communication about the events (see tips on talking to your children about tragedies here).

Please contact me if you have questions kerrie@larosaparentcoach.com.

Staying Sane During the Holidays - Part 3: Less is More

12/22/2012

"Your children need more of your presence, than your presents" - Jesse Jackson

Holiday Spoiler #3: Your child does not appreciate the gifts
she receives.

Tip: Simplify Gift Giving

Emphasize the other aspects of the holiday. Create traditions that don't center around gifts. Like Thanksgiving, spend time talking about what each family member is thankful for.
Encourage your child to limit his wish list to a certain number of items.
Tell your child know that a wish is something you hope for and that we don’t always get what we wish for.
Talk to your child about the items he’s hoping for most on his list so you know what he really wants.
Encourage empathy for those who have less by participating in a toy drive together.
Include your child in the gift giving part of the holidays so he
learns to give as well as receive. Give children an opportunity to
help pick out a gift, make a gift or wrap the gift.
Open some gifts ahead of time so that it is not so overwhelming and your child can appreciate each gift.
Warn your child before she opens the last gift. Give her something to look forward to after the presents have been
opened (like spending time with you putting together a new toy).
Give children the role of gift-giver during the holidays. They will
love the responsibility of passing out the gifts and will be focused on giving rather than receiving.
Keep your presence in mind when giving presents. Choose gifts that promote family communication and togetherness. Read this wonderful blog on intentional gift giving for ideas: http://marymclaughlinlcsw.wordpress.com/2012/12/16/intentional-giving-10-gifts-to-inspire-family-bonding/

Grandma knows best? Staying Sane during the holiday craze- Part 2

12/13/2012

Holiday Spoiler #2: Conflicts with relatives about how to discipline your child. You tell your eight-year-old that it is time to go to bed and he informs you that great aunt Ethel said he could stay up as late as he wants.

Tip: You are the parent and you are in charge!
- Gently remind your child and your relatives who is in charge of discipline (you and your partner).
- Prior to spending time with relatives let them know what you
expect of your child so that they can support you in your discipline efforts.
- Remind your child of the household rules prior to visiting with relatives (as well as during the visits).
- Offer extra incentive through rewards or sticker charts for behaviors that are especially challenging for your child.
- Give relatives ideas of fun activities to play with your child and treats to doll out (in moderation) so they can enjoy a fun role and you can maintain control of the schedule and discipline.

For more tips on keeping your spirit while keeping your cool, stay
tuned

Staying sane during the holiday craze

12/8/2012

The Holidays are here! They can be magical and they can be stressful, especially with children. For the next several weeks I will I will share tips on managing the stress and making the holidays enjoyable for you and your children.

Holiday Spoiler #1: Out of Control Children: Your toddler is running around the house screaming like a banshee, leaving trails of holiday cookie crumbs, it’s two hours past bedtime and your living room is filled with relatives visiting from out of town.

Tip: Maintain Routine during the Holiday Craze

Just say no. Limit your engagements so your family isn’t overwhelmed and overtired.

Treats in moderation. Focus on healthy eating at home so your child is free to enjoy treats at parties, school and with relatives. Teach your child about moderation and be a role model for him so he learns to say “No, Thank You” (although younger children will need more guidance).

Maintain good sleep habits. Stick to regular bedtimes and wake times as much as possible. If you know that you will be at a party late one night, schedule some low-key rest and play time at home the next morning.

Spend one-on-one time with your child playing (even 10 minutes a day). Your child will cherish that more than any present and you will enjoy the benefits of a happier child!

Give yourself a break. Prioritize your list of things to do and add some downtime for yourself to relax and maintain energy throughout this busy time (even if it is 10 minutes a day).

For more tips, stay tuned.