Category: Parenting

Who is the best parent? You are!

2/21/2013

In the past couple of years there have been debates about who are the best parents? Are the Chinese the best parents? What about the French? Any votes for the Americans? The competition and comparisons between parenting styles isn't just debated on the global level. Neighbors compare, siblings compare, even friends compare parenting styles. There are the attachment parents, helicopter parents, and Tiger moms. But, what about the "I'm just doing my very best" parent?

I don't think these parenting debates serve much of a purpose (except to sell books). I enjoy reading about different parenting styles and how different cultures parent (that is part of my job). But, I am not in the business of making judgments about who is the best. The reality is that you are the best parent for your child.

Every parent has their struggles and every parent has their strengths. Know your strengths, utilize your strengths and don't worry about your neighbor. Parenting is not a competition. And, even if it was, your children would choose you as the winner every time. Your children do not care how well you sing, as long as you are singing to them. Your children do not care what you look like when you show up to their recitals as long as you are there. Your child does not care if you are an award winning chef, they just want you to eat dinner with them. Your children do not care how funny you look playing dress up, just that you are playing with them. Your children only care that you meet their needs, spend time with them and love them unconditionally.

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Effective Praise

1/24/2013

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Praise can be a powerful way to boost your child's self esteem, foster the development of specific skills and encourage cooperation. Praise, when executed well has the potential to increase positive behavior as well as encourage the development of positive social skills.

However, some praise is more effective then others. Here are some tips on how to praise effectively:

* Don't over - praise. Focus your praise on behaviors you want your child to improve or behaviors that you know are more difficult for your child and require extra effort.
* Not everything requires praise. Sometimes giving your child neutral feedback is enough. You don't need to inflate your child's ego by telling her she is the next Picasso after drawing a squiggly line. Instead you can describe her work. For example, "wow, you used lots of different colors in your drawing". Letting her know you are paying attention, boosts esteem, improves your relationship and can be more valuable than generic praise.
* Praise specific behavior. "You are sitting quietly while waiting" rather than, "good job". Specific praise let's your child know exactly what he is being praised for and increases the likelihood that he will repeat the positive behavior.
* Praise effort. Praising your child for working hard teaches her
persistence. For example, rather than praising your child for receiving an "A", you can say, "you worked so hard studying for your test".
* Praise behavior rather than your child's traits. Although children feel good, momentarily, when their character is praised, "you are smart", the result could be the opposite of that intended. Children don't feel they have control over their inborn traits and therefore will feel incapable if they are unable to accomplish a task they have been told they are "good at". However if you praise something they have control over, such as their behavior or effort, they are more likely to repeat that behavior.
* Catch your child being good. Surprise your child by praising their behavior when they don't realize you are paying attention. Giving your child positive attention increases positive behaviors and reduces negative behavior.
* Describe the impact of their behavior on others. You can teach your child empathy and social skills while encouraging positive behavior. "I know that Grandma really appreciated it when you helped her with her groceries."

Read more about praising children's efforts and encouraging persistence in this blog post.

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For the love of reading

1/14/2013

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The library is a wonderful place for children for all the obvious
reason. They have free books,
they promote reading and
they foster learning.

Libraries are a great resource for other reasons as well. The library is a great place to go on a rainy day. There are of course the countless books to take you on endless adventures with your child. Most libraries also have a children's section with a cozy reading area, toys, and puzzles. You can spend hours there without having to spend a dime.

The library is an opportunity to teach your child the skills of sharing and responsibility. Your child will learn the concept of borrowing; caring for something that is not his and the responsibility of returning the book in good condition and on time.

For the love of reading, visit your local library and enjoy all it has to offer!

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The Power of Storytelling

1/3/2013

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One of the highlights of the holidays is being with family. One of my favorite moments from the holidays was watching the interaction between a nephew and his uncle. The uncle was telling the nephew a story. And the nephew was captivated. The uncle's tone of voice, facial expressions and creative storyline engaged the nephew who responded with his own facial expressions of surprise, excitement and anticipation. But, most of all I enjoyed witnessing the connection forming between the two of them as they shared this special moment.

In addition to being entertaining, storytelling positively impacts a
child's development in the following ways:

* Fosters positive connections and improves relationships
* Builds language skills
* Develops concentration and listening skills
* Increases emotional vocabulary
* Improves feeling identification

The best part of storytelling is that all you need is your imagination! You can tell stories anywhere - in the car, at dinner, while on a walk or when you are at home and looking for something fun to do. So start telling stories and
encourage your child to come up with their own stories. The whole family will
benefit from those special moments!

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Staying Sane During the Holidays - Part 3: Less is More

12/22/2012

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"Your children need more of your presence, than your presents" - Jesse Jackson

Holiday Spoiler #3: Your child does not appreciate the gifts
she receives.

Tip: Simplify Gift Giving

Emphasize the other aspects of the holiday. Create traditions that don't center around gifts. Like Thanksgiving, spend time talking about what each family member is thankful for.
Encourage your child to limit his wish list to a certain number of items.
Tell your child know that a wish is something you hope for and that we don’t always get what we wish for.
Talk to your child about the items he’s hoping for most on his list so you know what he really wants.
Encourage empathy for those who have less by participating in a toy drive together.
Include your child in the gift giving part of the holidays so he
learns to give as well as receive. Give children an opportunity to
help pick out a gift, make a gift or wrap the gift.
Open some gifts ahead of time so that it is not so overwhelming and your child can appreciate each gift.
Warn your child before she opens the last gift. Give her something to look forward to after the presents have been
opened (like spending time with you putting together a new toy).
Give children the role of gift-giver during the holidays. They will
love the responsibility of passing out the gifts and will be focused on giving rather than receiving.
Keep your presence in mind when giving presents. Choose gifts that promote family communication and togetherness. Read this wonderful blog on intentional gift giving for ideas: http://marymclaughlinlcsw.wordpress.com/2012/12/16/intentional-giving-10-gifts-to-inspire-family-bonding/

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Grandma knows best? Staying Sane during the holiday craze- Part 2

12/13/2012

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Holiday Spoiler #2: Conflicts with relatives about how to discipline your child. You tell your eight-year-old that it is time to go to bed and he informs you that great aunt Ethel said he could stay up as late as he wants.

Tip: You are the parent and you are in charge!
- Gently remind your child and your relatives who is in charge of discipline (you and your partner).
- Prior to spending time with relatives let them know what you
expect of your child so that they can support you in your discipline efforts.
- Remind your child of the household rules prior to visiting with relatives (as well as during the visits).
- Offer extra incentive through rewards or sticker charts for behaviors that are especially challenging for your child.
- Give relatives ideas of fun activities to play with your child and treats to doll out (in moderation) so they can enjoy a fun role and you can maintain control of the schedule and discipline.

For more tips on keeping your spirit while keeping your cool, stay
tuned

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Staying sane during the holiday craze

12/8/2012

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The Holidays are here! They can be magical and they can be stressful, especially with children. For the next several weeks I will I will share tips on managing the stress and making the holidays enjoyable for you and your children.

Holiday Spoiler #1: Out of Control Children: Your toddler is running around the house screaming like a banshee, leaving trails of holiday cookie crumbs, it’s two hours past bedtime and your living room is filled with relatives visiting from out of town.

Tip: Maintain Routine during the Holiday Craze

Just say no. Limit your engagements so your family isn’t overwhelmed and overtired.

Treats in moderation. Focus on healthy eating at home so your child is free to enjoy treats at parties, school and with relatives. Teach your child about moderation and be a role model for him so he learns to say “No, Thank You” (although younger children will need more guidance).

Maintain good sleep habits. Stick to regular bedtimes and wake times as much as possible. If you know that you will be at a party late one night, schedule some low-key rest and play time at home the next morning.

Spend one-on-one time with your child playing (even 10 minutes a day). Your child will cherish that more than any present and you will enjoy the benefits of a happier child!

Give yourself a break. Prioritize your list of things to do and add some downtime for yourself to relax and maintain energy throughout this busy time (even if it is 10 minutes a day).

For more tips, stay tuned.

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Learning can be messy

11/29/2012

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Learning can be messy

Before becoming parents, many people have visions of those blissful moments of the baby's first steps, the child learning to ride a bike and the teenager's smile as she drives the car by herself for the first time.

In imagination, these are movie-like moments. The sun is shining, music is playing in the background and it is all happening in slow motion so the parent can savor the moment.

Unfortunately, it does not always happen this way. Not that these moments are not happy or exciting, but they may not go as smoothly as hoped. Your baby may stumble after taking her first step, your child may have endured tears of frustration before mastering the bike without training wheels and you may be
avoiding the neighbors looks as your teen drives off blasting loud music and honking her horn.

Learning is messy (literally and figuratively). Literally, learning can create a mess that needs to be cleaned up from the messy faces and floors while children learn to eat their first foods to the spilled milk as a toddler learns to drink from a cup, to mismatched outfits and potty training (need I say more).

Figuratively, learning can be a messy process. Watching your child get frustrated and struggle to tie his own shoe, witnessing your child's disappointment when she did not receive the grade she wanted on her homework and feeling the anxiety (and bumps) as your teen learns to parralel park.

There is a way to avoid these messes: take over and do it yourself. But then your child will not learn for themselves how to do these things (and you will end up working harder than you need to).

Everyday there are moments when a parent can take the opportunity to help their child learn. You have a choice to step out of the way, let them struggle, stay calm, and tolerate their mistakes and messes. By doing this you can build confidence, encourage self reliance and foster autonomy in your child.

Please share your child's messiest learning experience!

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Avoiding Travel Disasters

11/20/2012

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The busiest travel time of the year is here. Travelling can be quite stressful - managing the crowds, dealing with delays and scrambling through security. Travelling with children adds another layer of challenges. Here are some travel tips for making the journey a bit easier.

It takes some preparation to get ready for a trip. First, I prepare my son. I tell him where we are going and who we will be visiting. I show him pictures and read him stories. He loves the books: Going on a Plane (Usborne First Experiences) by Anne Civardi and My First Airplane Ride by Patricia Hubbel. I make sure he has
plenty of healthy (and not messy) snacks, water and milk. I encourage him to drink something during take off and when we begin our decent - the sucking reduces ear pressure. I also bring him a variety of toys (including some new ones) that will sustain his attention like books, crayons, stickers and interactive toys. I also stock my iphone with children's apps.

Being away from home and travelling to unfamiliar places can be difficult for children. Bringing transitional objects such as a favorite toy, blankie or stuffed animal can ease the anxiety about travelling and remind him/her of home.

When we get to our destination, I let him explore the room he will be sleeping in before he has to go to sleep. I try to stick to his routine as much as possible. I follow the same nap schedule (if possible) and maintain his regular bedtime routine. For more information on managing sleep while travelling, read
the Sleepeasy Solution by Jennifer Waldburger, LCSW and Jill Spivack, LCSW.

Travelling is not as relaxing as it once was, but with some preparation it can still be a lot of fun. I hope these tips help and if you have some of your own travel tips, please share!

Happy and Safe Travels!

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Remember to Play

11/10/2012

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Play is a topic I feel so passionate about that I have written previous posts about play and will dedicate the next few weeks to writing more about it.

Play is a child's work. Through play, children develop gross and fine motor skills; learn academic, social, and emotional skills; build self confidence and connect with others. Reserving some time for play each day is important for a child's development as well as for the parent-child relationship.

Play can also prevent misbehavior. Often when parents are struggling with a child behavior issue I remind them to play with their child everyday using the skills I wrote about in this guide: The Best Ways to Play This small investment in time (as little as 10 minutes each day) can reduce the number of behavior issues.

Happy Playing!

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Forward>>

Who is the best parent? You are!

Effective Praise

For the love of reading

The Power of Storytelling

Staying Sane During the Holidays - Part 3: Less is More

Grandma knows best? Staying Sane during the holiday craze- Part 2

Staying sane during the holiday craze

Learning can be messy

Avoiding Travel Disasters

Remember to Play

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