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Kerrie LaRosaParent Coach

Effective Praise

1/24/2013

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Praise can be a powerful way to boost your child's self esteem, foster the development of specific skills and encourage cooperation. Praise, when executed well has the potential to increase positive behavior as well as encourage the development of positive social skills.
 
However, some praise is more effective then others. Here are some tips on how to praise effectively:
 
* Don't over - praise. Focus your praise on behaviors you want your child to improve or behaviors that you know are more difficult for your child and require extra effort.
* Not everything requires praise. Sometimes giving your child neutral feedback is enough. You don't need to inflate your child's ego by telling her she is the next Picasso after drawing a squiggly line. Instead you can describe her work. For example, "wow, you used lots of different colors in your drawing". Letting her know you are paying attention, boosts esteem, improves your relationship and can be more valuable than generic praise.
* Praise specific behavior. "You are sitting quietly while waiting" rather than, "good job". Specific praise let's your child know exactly what he is being praised for and increases the likelihood that he will repeat the positive behavior.
* Praise effort. Praising your child for working hard teaches her
persistence. For example, rather than praising your child for receiving an "A", you can say, "you worked so hard studying for your test". 
* Praise behavior rather than your child's traits. Although children feel good, momentarily, when their character is praised, "you are smart", the result could be the opposite of that intended. Children don't feel they have control over their inborn traits and therefore will feel incapable if they are unable to accomplish a task they have been told they are "good at". However if you praise something they have control over, such as their behavior or effort, they are more likely to repeat that behavior.
* Catch your child being good. Surprise your child by praising their behavior when they don't realize you are paying attention. Giving your child positive attention increases positive behaviors and reduces negative behavior. 
* Describe the impact of their behavior on others. You can teach your child empathy and social skills while encouraging positive behavior. "I know that Grandma really appreciated it when you helped her with her groceries."
  
Read more about praising children's efforts and encouraging persistence in this blog post.

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Is my child's response to the news about Sandyhook normal?

12/23/2012

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I have had several parents contact me to discuss their child's response to the news about the tragedies at Sandyhook Elementary School. Here is some information to help you understand your child's behavior and know when to seek professional advice.
 
It is normal for children to explore themes of good and evil in play and in their artwork. However, if this play is in response to  traumatic news such as the shooting at Sandyhook Elementary School, it is especially important to communicate with your child's teachers and child care providers and monitor your child's play, artwork and behavior both inside and outside your home.  
  
Contact me or a profession if you notice any of the following:

* Your child continues to repeat the same theme.
* You notice an increasing amount of violence in the play.
* Your child becomes physically or verbally aggressive.
* You notice any changes in sleeping, eating or behavior patterns.
* Your child is experiencing nightmares
* Your child has become more fearful
* Your child is having difficult separating from you or caregivers

To help your child, monitor and limit your child's exposure to information and details in the news and maintain open lines of communication about the events (see tips on talking to your children about tragedies here).

Please contact me if you have questions kerrie@larosaparentcoach.com.
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How to raise successful children?

9/23/2011

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In an intriguing New York Times article, “What if the Secret to Success is Failure” Paul Tough states that children need to experience failure in order to be successful. He posits that certain character traits are as important (if not more important) to a student’s success as IQ. Tough suggests that children who possess character traits such as optimism, persistence and social intelligence are more likely to succeed because they have the ability to recover from setbacks and the will to improve their performance the second time around.

What does this mean for parenting? It means that parents must put their own feelings and worries aside and permit their children to struggle. Parents need to allow children to face natural consequences, teach them persistence skills and praise their efforts rather than their talents.  

Hal Runkel, in Screamfree Parenting discusses the need for parents to let go of their anxiety about their children long enough to allow them to face natural consequences (refusing to put on their jacket; forgetting their homework; or losing their favorite pen). It is painful for parents to witness their child being cold, accepting their child’s bad grade; or tolerating whining about a lost pen. But, after facing natural consequences children are more likely to correct their behavior in order to avoid these consequences in the future. The beauty of natural consequences is that parents don’t have to do anything –just sit back, take deep breaths and allow your child to experience the results of their actions on their own. The key is to offer the supportive environment in which they can develop the problem-solving skills and the confidence to try again. 

Persistence is a character trait parents can begin to teach at an early age, through play.  While playing with your child, praise skills such as patience, staying calm and problem-solving. For example, if your child is working on a puzzle, rather than jumping in to help, offer encouragement by saying things like, “You are working really hard to figure out where the puzzle piece goes.” 


Another way to build these character traits is to praise a child’s efforts rather than their talents. Parents want to boost children’s confidence by telling them how athletic, beautiful and smart they are. However, when parents praise a child’s efforts rather than their talents, the message is that if they work hard they will be able to accomplish the task. If they believe that it is their talent not their effort that makes them successful, children lose a sense of control of the outcome. If something is difficult, they are less likely to put the effort into resolving it; they question their talents and give up. Learn more about the secret to raising smart kids by praising their efforts in this Scientific American article.

I don't know that I agree that failure is the key to success.....I would say that persistence is the key to success.


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    Kerrie LaRosa is a parent coach and a mother of two children. She draws on her professional expertise and personal experience to provide tired parents with some quick tips, resources and fun anecdotes.

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