My son has never been shy about voicing his opinion or demonstrating his will for independence, but lately he has developed a new method. He now says, “bye, bye, mommy” and waves to me, signaling that he needs some space. In an attempt to respect his wishes (and foster his sense of autonomy), I comply. As soon as I sit down to happily observe his play from the couch, he comes running back to me, asking me to play.
It is a developmentally appropriate exercise. He is figuring out ways to become independent and yet longs (and needs) the connection to his caregivers. This journey to independence while longing for relationship is ongoing. At birth, babies don’t understand they are a separate being. As they develop a greater sense of the world around them, they learn that objects (their caregivers) are separate from themselves. Yet, they don’t master object permanence (or the understanding that objects exist when out of sight) until they are 10-12 months. This is why infants often have separation anxiety and why they love to play peek-a-boo. Then come the toddler years. Often called the testing twos. Toddlers are asserting their independence (a preview for the teenage years?). They say no because we said yes. They say yes because we said no. Often when we accept their independence, they are satisfied and will come running right back.
The push-pull of the desire for independence and the need for connection is an ongoing journey that occurs throughout a child’s development, although there are different stages such as toddler hood and adolescence where it is stronger. As children learn to become independent, their anxiety about separating from caregivers may increase. They learn that if they are able to walk away from their mother, than the mother can walk away from them. This is why they need to have a secure base (a caregiver) to recharge and then go back into the world on their own.
There are ways that we can help foster their independence; maintain the connection and ease the separation anxiety. Respect their need for independence; offer them choices whenever possible; praise their efforts to master things on their own; and standby for support. To maintain connection and ease their anxiety, practice goodbye and hello rituals and read books, such as The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown or The Invisible String by Patrice Karst.
It is a developmentally appropriate exercise. He is figuring out ways to become independent and yet longs (and needs) the connection to his caregivers. This journey to independence while longing for relationship is ongoing. At birth, babies don’t understand they are a separate being. As they develop a greater sense of the world around them, they learn that objects (their caregivers) are separate from themselves. Yet, they don’t master object permanence (or the understanding that objects exist when out of sight) until they are 10-12 months. This is why infants often have separation anxiety and why they love to play peek-a-boo. Then come the toddler years. Often called the testing twos. Toddlers are asserting their independence (a preview for the teenage years?). They say no because we said yes. They say yes because we said no. Often when we accept their independence, they are satisfied and will come running right back.
The push-pull of the desire for independence and the need for connection is an ongoing journey that occurs throughout a child’s development, although there are different stages such as toddler hood and adolescence where it is stronger. As children learn to become independent, their anxiety about separating from caregivers may increase. They learn that if they are able to walk away from their mother, than the mother can walk away from them. This is why they need to have a secure base (a caregiver) to recharge and then go back into the world on their own.
There are ways that we can help foster their independence; maintain the connection and ease the separation anxiety. Respect their need for independence; offer them choices whenever possible; praise their efforts to master things on their own; and standby for support. To maintain connection and ease their anxiety, practice goodbye and hello rituals and read books, such as The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown or The Invisible String by Patrice Karst.
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